42% ?????

So, now I'm told that one of the biggest crises of the "African American" people is that we are not marrying......and if we do, we do it late......

I missed the dateline special, and forgot to DVR it. But I must say I'm disgusted at the fact that we have to see these stats day in, and day out. There are so many ways I can attack this "news"

1. When the hell did not finding a good man become a Black Women thing?

2. Why don't we pay attention to more important stats like the literacy rate of children?

3. @ "Mainstream" America....are you really dissecting the Black family as though it's not something you destroyed physically and mentally from slavery - present.......

Re #3- I often pull my brothers and sisters aside urging them not to blame "the white man" for their ills and issues. With knowledge and awareness we can overcome....it's not easy, but it can be done. However, if we really get down to the psychology of the matter the Black family is an entity that has been struggling to exist.

If we further dig into the psychology of family or marriage we know that the stats are down period in this country. Let's be real, people married in the past for safety and security. But now when women are making exponentially more money than they once did, have much more education......we don't need men the way we once did.

The successful (and to be) men and women are learning, and working.......while other women are plotting on the men. So by the time we get to the top the successful men have been preyed upon by the woman who lacks or does not desire self sufficiency.....and the successful woman has to search high and low just to settle....this is not a Black thing. This is an American thing.

Furthermore, to say a successful Black woman can't find a man, or can't get married- that's yet another stab at the Black man.....why do our imperfections have to be sensationalized and publicized? And if this is such a recognized problem, then it shouldn't sound so crazy that other races should leave the Black men for the Black women....but it does.....because this whole situation is ridiculous!

When I consider my unmarried friends, most of them want to be so. When I consider that this country has exploited Black people since our arrival on the cotton fields and now wants to point a finger like we can't get out stuff together is sickening. The Black man has long been destroyed. And the Black woman has been sexually promiscuous, angry, and now we can't find a man.........

Again, the American family dynamic period is a mess. And women period have more difficulty than men finding a "good" man. But the presentation of these "stats" is wrong, and lacking responsibility.......

I was told that a very wise man said "Never tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."

PUNISHMENT

On the phone with my sister girl lastnite she paused to chastise her daughter.

Apparently, the almost 3-year-old stepped behind the television, where she wasn't supposed to be, and then got her legs tangled in the cords and couldn't get out. After having told the child not to go back there several times, my sister decided to leave the child back there for a couple minutes. She reminded her that she had no business back there, and told her she was going to leave there until bed time. I knew she had no intention of doing such thing, but I'm sure the child felt a range of emotions.

Babies rely on their mothers, so by mother not helping her get out of an uncomfortable and semi-chaotic spot it breaks that team notion that mom will pick up the slack every time. It causes baby to think on a more independent level and after enough incidences baby will think before acting realizing that mom may not.....or will not assist. I think this is a very important lesson.....

I am sure that when I am a mother I will do the same thing. However, when I think back to my tweens and teens these lessons were not so effective. I felt like they drove a wedge between my parents and I. Life will have so many lessons, I don't need to learn lessons at home. While I am grateful for some, I'm still not so happy with others- but it balances out.

Many of us who grew up with these types of parents (I take my hat off to all of you because it's hard to teach your kids effectively) grow up with the lesson giving mentality. We take it all through life and apply it in spheres where we should be promoting dependence and teamwork.

These lessons were to teach independence--so when your co-worker does something you don't agree with, proverbially "teaching them a lesson" draws a divide on the team. Because somebody did something you didn't agree with, is it now right to be tardy on your reports? That is consequently going to hold everybody up-and just may come back to you somehow. It will definitely lessen the motivation of the "lesson learner" to continue working with you.

When your BF/GF does something you don't agree with, why wouldn't you want to draw them closer to you as opposed to pushing them away with negative reinforcements? If you don't like that your honey told friends about an argument, why would you stop speaking to them? That's just going to push them further. And probably fuel them to tell everybody that you're being even more stubborn

If your neighbor puts their trash out to early without a can, and you now a raccoon is going to tear it up, why wouldn't u pull their can around front and help them? Realize, their trash will undeniably make the entire block look bad. So who is really learning the lesson?

Personally, I react very negatively when I realize somebody is trying to make an example out of me, or teach me something. As a child, there was nothing worse to me than my mom saying "I was going to take you (insert fun here) but you don't deserve it so I'm not." I believe that is torture. If as a mother you no longer want to sacrifice the money on taking me someplace, then don't-it's your prerogative. But why do you need to tell me? Especially if I didn't ask. Now, if I asked and was looking forward to it, that's a totally different story. And now as an adult that has carried over and magnified 200 times over. People telling me what they're not going to do because of my attitude and actions makes me so upset; it makes me not want to deal with them at all. My reactions is Who do you think you are? You are not here to to teach me a lesson!

The fact of the matter is, sometimes instead of trying to teach others, we should teach ourselves more effective ways with dealing with the issue at hand. We can learn how to avoid such problem in the future. We should verbally communicate, and not leave it to our actions.

I love you

When I look into your eyes, I see depths that my wildest dreams cannot imagine

When I feel your heartbeat I feel a strength I cannot comprehend

Your nature has a control of me- that's visible to all

The passion that exists- the passion that flows- the fire that burns

I pray that we fan the flames forever

Premature

Man cannot survive on bread alone

Man is not meant to be alone

Numerous creations of art in numerous forms cite love, romance and their place in society. For Christians, the mere creation of Eve to keep Adam's company is enough. It is wholly accepted that people are social creatures, and everybody desires to partner off and travel through life with as a pair.

The media (not just American) plays a big role in placing a high focus and level of urgency on finding such partner that statistically, most people are partnering off prematurely; Hence, over half of American marriages end in divorce. Such number is lower than the fracturing of other partnered relations that do not even make it to the official accepted commitment of marriage.

The focus of relationships and the idea of falling in love is plaguing younger and younger people at a most alarming rate. Within the span of one generation girls were considered "fast" to be engaging in certain extra curricular activities with boys, and now girls of the same age are not only engaging in these activities but are doing so openly. This fad of pairing off is diminishing of the point of doing so. It has become pointless and effectively meaningless.

Of course, I am imparting my lifestyle, ideals, and, principles on everyone and measuring them against the Naomi's metre-stick of life.....but this is my blog (kisses).

With companionship as a given, it seems to me that unless partnering off for survival, the only other reason is for self improvement. After finding, or (for those of us who haven't yet accepted that we're ALWAYS looking) "happening" upon somebody who we (are probably first attracted to) like spending time with, we begin to evaluate other factors. Based upon our personal lists of what we will and won't deal with we either gravitate towards or away from the individual in question. So, it also seems to me, that these personal lists that we have are subjective; and some people will accept so much more than others, why do people settle?

The need to be paired off, or wanted is so great that some people will stay in an unhealthy or otherwise non-stimulating situation just to avoid not being alone. In essence, contributing to the high relationship-failure rate. Perhaps more relationships would survive if people actually waited until they found (lol, or happened upon) a person who they were more compatible (than not) with.

Certain elements such as trust, communication, and agreement are usually attributed to healthy relationships, however there are some other important ones that are overlooked. To live together, people need to be able to grow together. Growing is inevitable, and unless growing in the same direction, a couple cannot expect to remain a couple. Two people must also have a basic understanding of each other, acceptance of a person's ideas and actions are not enough, one must understand why their partner makes the choices they do to alleviate frustration and alienation. Lastly, I believe that many people overlook the fact that two people should be at similar places in their lives.

These things are very important to me. I am excited to happen upon the person who accepts me for who I am, and most importantly understands why I am. Someone who like me is not where there want to be as yet, but has a strong sense of self. Someone who I can share a transient understanding, a special element with. Whose mind and status can maintain such element which my soul recognizes as its complimentary counterpart.....the S to my N. The South to my North.

Over and Over

Over and over
No end in sight
Over and Over
Gotta get this right



Repeat

Cycle

Circle

Repitition



This can't be right
We've got to do bette
Over and Over
Gotta get this right



Habit

Role

Rehearsal

Homo


I know where we went wrong
I see the catalyst
Over and Over
Gotta get this right


Mundane

Same

Similar

Monotonous


Over and Over
Gotta get this right
I see where we went wrong
Won't stop 'til it's tight

You

Months and days of fights....
HANGING UP- YELLING
Seemed things would never be right

He pulls- I push
We resist
HE WON'T COMPLY- I CAN'T TAKE IT
But I still persist

Finally-
I leave taking advantage of the peace that is at hand
But just as soon as I return and we're in each other's presence again
Who do I run into, but my one night stand

Only Thoughts Matter

"It doesn't matter who my father as, it matters who I remember he was." - Anne Sexton


The relationship of father to child is a special one. A child is impressionable and learns first from its parents. Generally children receive their instruction and experiences in the house, void from influence and ideas of the rest of the world. A parent can give a child any impression of them they want.

A person who does not pay their bills can convey responsibility. One who never commits can portray themselves as reliable. A child has nothing else to measure it to and will not, and cannot make decisions based on other people's experiences. They take the impressions they parents press upon them as the gospel truth and will not challenge it.

With parenthood one can reinvent themself, be a totally different person in the eyes of their child than they are to the face of the world. As dynamic as this coversion is. I believe Ms. Sexton has stepped into waters deeper than she charted.

Cooley's looking glass theory (my favorite sociological theory) states, "We are not who we think we are. We are not who others think we are. We are who others think we are." Basically, on some level everybody believes this. The accepted difference is that some people care what others think, and others don't. But I challenge that perhaps the uncaring section of the bunch only wants other to think they do not care.

For example; I like my clothes to match. However I could care less about socks. And when asked, most people I know respond that they really aren't concerned with the colour and matching aspect of people's socks (yours truly included.) However, somewhere along the way I came to believe that people would not view me as serious, or responsible. And if I was too irresponsible to match my socks who knew what else that could imply?

On a more serious note, for many reasons (too much to get into now) I want to marry a Black man. I am nowhere near that type of committment, nor has such a mate been seriously identified. And it is possible that I may fall in love and marry someone not of the African-American race, but if based on race alone my choice is Black. This preference is a personal one. And I am sure that there are many others who agree with me for more, less, or, the same reasons. However this is not a fact that I shout from rooftops because I believe that people would think I am racist. it doesn't matter that statistically people marry within their races much more than any other commonality. My main concern is that I do not want to be associated with racism.

As previously mentioned, on some level, everybody is aware that our actions are not held on their own merits; but on the interpretations of others. How often do we change up our approach and make it person specific to our subject because we believe that somebody will take it wrong.

With that, why do we get so upset when people are upset, or hurt by our words and actions unintentionally. Why is so hard for us to apologize to them when we realize we communicate effectively; when we realize we may have overstated or understated, or OD'd as some would say?

When it comes to legacies, we generally have an idea and act to make it a reality. We work towards a valued outcome. We should have a valued outcome in all we do. We should think and be goal and solution oriented. Not simply shooting from the cuff and possibly over-communicating a point. Because even in forgiveness there are words and actions that may not be forgotten.

Be blessed all!
Nay.

Somewhere to turn, someone to talk to

This is a very special piece, very dear to my heart. And I want to share it because somebody needs to be told YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There will be times when we have to deal with things on our own. Times will arise where the best of friends, and even family will not be there. There will be times where you feel like there is nobody you can call, and there will be times where there really is nobody for you to call. But remember you are not the first, nor the last, and we must learn from every experience. To all my sisters, and to anybody who has ever felt alone; do not worry because when things get better they will be that much better. At your lowest point, you can always rise. And remember, the Lord thy God will never leave you. You always have somewhere to turn, and someone to talk to. You simply have to open your mouth.


Standing alone- in a room full of people…..
Nowhere to turn
No one to talk to

Laying alone when he’s right beside me
Afraid to turn
Because there’s no one to talk to

A careless body
An empty shell
That thinks he’s providing enough
But I know I have nowhere to turn
No one to talk to

A new experience has brought fear, pain, and the unknown to my doorstep
To upset and ashamed to call for the regular comfort
And now it’s too late.

Something that should have been all about me
Now has to take on the thoughts of everybody else
And I have nowhere to turn
No one to talk to

Little things, and simple gestures are not enough
But little things, and simple gestures mean so much
Especially when I have nowhere to turn
And no one to talk to

I am left in an unbalance
The one that I reject the most
Is the one that I need the most
But he’s left me with nowhere to turn
And no one to talk to

I’ve had drastic changes
To and fro, and it’s too much for me to handle alone
And I have nowhere to turn
And no one to talk to

If it's too much for him, that’s not my fault
I didn’t ask for this
All I want is somewhere to turn
And someone to talk to

REAFFIRMATION

It’s weird how some people come into your life and you immediately know their purpose. And some make a place for themselves. But then others linger until they finally fall into place.

I’ve had the best fortune with those who linger, those who evolved from their original assumed position and have somehow become permanent fixtures. Those who I thought would be for but a season, but have proved to be worthy of a lifetime.

There are many I can call in time of need, few who have no limits, and one that has never judged.
__________________________________________________________________

He approached my hostile situation of

Disappointment and desperation
Dead ends and no options
Lonliness and urgency

“You’re beautiful” he began

I fell in love with you
It wasn’t your beauty, even though you’re gorgeous as hell
He had me thinking I’d put him under some sort of spell….

Of all I’ve known, my love for you is strongest
The most genuine—he compared
It’s not about touching you or sex, and he stared….

I do love laying with you and falling asleep with you beside me
He reassured
And I with you as well, I concurred…..

Your happiness is all I ever wanted
And I know I can’t be selfish he spoke
And at that moment my tears broke…..

You deserve to be happy
He said as he looked at me
So refreshing that he understood my sensitivity

No matter what lies ahead for you or for I
He gently gave
I’m always here to satisfy all you crave

I’m here for you
He kindly offered
Positivity he tried to conjure

His combat technique was

No disappointment, only encouragement
No definites, but endless possibilities
No abandonment, but a pledge of forever…..

“You are wonderful”, I ended

Tonight Beth reminded me of my favorite line from the Disney movie Cinderella. "A dream is a wish your heart makes; when your fast asleep. No matter how your heart is dreaming, if you keep on believing, a dream that you wish will come true."

My mother is the first to admit that she let me watch too much Disney as a kid. And perhaps in an effort to preserve my childhood I did become a bit jaded to the way the world really works. One week shy of my 24th birthday and I still look for happy endings. I still believe that people are mostly good and things will work out to the best...the best being in my favor, of course. If i really want something it come to fruition and people help other people. Folks should take responsibility for their own actions and of course learn from their mistakes.

I came to a point in my life that I became rather cynical. The abovementioned elements of life no longer seemed true. I began thinking that people were mostly selfish and negative. That nobody wanted to see other people succeed and there was no such thing as a happy ending. My sister expressed this best with, "we can't have happy endings if we can't have happy right nows." And even though I ended up bouncing back to my optimistic view on life; whenever I decided to give up or let something go I momentarily feel hoodwinked. I temporarily feel like the world is not the wonderful place I've made it out to be and I've got to toughen up and eat or be eaten......

Presently I'm giving up on a family member. I once had hope that this person would get their life together. Eventually, I joined the rest of the family in giving up. But a certain set of circumstances arose and developed a false sense of family where this individual was concerned. Said family member came across some difficulty and the family reached out. In turn said family member turned their back on the family once again.

I wonder why I was so upset, it was whispered that this outcome would be the one. It was wondered if this person would truly ever embrace the family. And it is now fact that this person does not appreciate us the way they should. I ask myself, is appreciation subjective? It's difficult for me to objectively answer such a question. I wonder if it is possible for this person to express appreciation in their own way. But when somebody not only goes out of their way; but goes through great lengths to help you. Shouldn't you then show your appreciation in a way that they would recognize?

My next question to myself was; do we do things for other people for appreciation and recognition? And unfortunately I realize that we do. At least I can honestly answer that sometimes I do. Or sometimes out of obligation. For example, how many times have we bought somebody a wonderful birthday, bridal or baby shower gift not because we wanted them to have the item but because we felt as though our relationship with them wouldcall for such extravagance. Or because we wanted to give the best gift.....I can honestly answer that I have valued cost higher than thought on numerous ocassions. But there are times that we do things for people because they cannot do for themselves. Times that we come to the aid of others because we hope that if we were in such a predicament that person, or anybody, would come to our aid. And of course, there are things we do out of general kindness.

I must say that the family pulled together to help this individual because they could not help themselves. At that moment it was a mix of familiar obligation and love. Nobody gave of their money or time begrudgingly, and it was all very willful. Yet, to not be acknowledged was a huge slap in the face. Especially to me.

I can honestly say that if it happens again I will not be part of the helping committee. I will not even help those who are helping. I will not go out of my way to help at all, but I will not go out of my way to make the situation worse either. I am severing all ties and relinquishing any responsibilities. There are too many people who expressively want and appreciate my assistance, love, and, support.

My last question is, if you can do something, and you don't do anything; is that making the situation worse? Maybe I'm looking for answers to keep me comfortable in my mess. But I invite any and all responses.....

thanks and goodnight,
Nay.

Wanted vs. Needed

The Poet Nightday asked Do men and women want to feel needed or appreciated. And is there a difference?

YES THERE IS A DIFFERENCE..... But men and women want different things....

Women want to be appreciated. We want to have our back and feet rubbed, not because we asked, but because our men realize we are stressed, or PMS'ing, or just because they want us to feel good. If we express that we are feeling sick in the middle of the night, it would be nice to be offerred some juice and motrin without us having to ask. Why? Because that's what we do constantly. We think of others, and we want to be thought of . We want to hear thank you and please. We want to know that our hard work, and small efforts aren' t taken for granted and gone un noticed.

We understand the difference of appreication and need. We want to be appreciated, but no good woman wants a needy man. We want a man who is just as self sufficient as we are. And realizes that being in a healthy motivating relationship is a bonus.....not a necessity. For the most part, successful and focused women do not want the role of psychologist working out the issues that mommie left behind. We don't want to cast out demons that have been created, or work through underlyling anger. We don't want to hear about how the man is holding a brother. We don't want to have to make sure other peoples' bills are paid, work out spending budgets, teach self sufficiency or keep a man focused on his own goals......but unfortunately we get caught up doing it anyway.

Black women especially, after we get home from being sharks in the boardroom and fighting society to prove that we are better than capable (even though everybody knows it.) we want to come home to strong arms and understanding. We want to be loved and appreciated.

Men however want to feel needed. It is as inherent in their nature as maternity is to ours. Men like to feel like they are making a difference in a woman's lives. They want to feel as though they are responsible for the good, and that without them or their influence the women they are with wouldn't be as successful. Although it shouldn't be competition, men like to feel that they are outdoing a woman. They want to make more money, they want to be more accomplished, they want to have better ideas. Men don't want to come home and be challenged. They want to feel as though they are the King of the castle, large and in charge. They want what they want when they want it, and they do not want to be wrong.....EVER.

It seems to me this relationship can work, most women (many won't admit it for fear of taking societal steps backwards and losing their right to vote, lol.) don’t' necessarily want to be taken care of, because they can do it by themselves but want to be appreciated. They really don't mind coming home and cooking and massaging their honey's neck if honey was appreciative and thankful. But as soon as honey comes in ignoring her needs, and expecting to be taken care of she reverts to survival mode (focused on herself and not going that extra mile for her man) and arguments ensue; man decides he rathers a dumber quieter woman who really does need him so he won't be challenged. And woman can't understand what's wrong with her and starts to doubt herself. She either swears off men and decides she will do it all alone and becomes jaded. Or she (out of emotional neglect) falls for the first jerk who gives her a little attention.

The scenario is all too familiar Successful focused woman continue settling, or giving up and Robert Blackwell, PHd runs off with Laveeta Brown Walker, GED