The Poet Nightday asked Do men and women want to feel needed or appreciated. And is there a difference?
YES THERE IS A DIFFERENCE..... But men and women want different things....
Women want to be appreciated. We want to have our back and feet rubbed, not because we asked, but because our men realize we are stressed, or PMS'ing, or just because they want us to feel good. If we express that we are feeling sick in the middle of the night, it would be nice to be offerred some juice and motrin without us having to ask. Why? Because that's what we do constantly. We think of others, and we want to be thought of . We want to hear thank you and please. We want to know that our hard work, and small efforts aren' t taken for granted and gone un noticed.
We understand the difference of appreication and need. We want to be appreciated, but no good woman wants a needy man. We want a man who is just as self sufficient as we are. And realizes that being in a healthy motivating relationship is a bonus.....not a necessity. For the most part, successful and focused women do not want the role of psychologist working out the issues that mommie left behind. We don't want to cast out demons that have been created, or work through underlyling anger. We don't want to hear about how the man is holding a brother. We don't want to have to make sure other peoples' bills are paid, work out spending budgets, teach self sufficiency or keep a man focused on his own goals......but unfortunately we get caught up doing it anyway.
Black women especially, after we get home from being sharks in the boardroom and fighting society to prove that we are better than capable (even though everybody knows it.) we want to come home to strong arms and understanding. We want to be loved and appreciated.
Men however want to feel needed. It is as inherent in their nature as maternity is to ours. Men like to feel like they are making a difference in a woman's lives. They want to feel as though they are responsible for the good, and that without them or their influence the women they are with wouldn't be as successful. Although it shouldn't be competition, men like to feel that they are outdoing a woman. They want to make more money, they want to be more accomplished, they want to have better ideas. Men don't want to come home and be challenged. They want to feel as though they are the King of the castle, large and in charge. They want what they want when they want it, and they do not want to be wrong.....EVER.
It seems to me this relationship can work, most women (many won't admit it for fear of taking societal steps backwards and losing their right to vote, lol.) don’t' necessarily want to be taken care of, because they can do it by themselves but want to be appreciated. They really don't mind coming home and cooking and massaging their honey's neck if honey was appreciative and thankful. But as soon as honey comes in ignoring her needs, and expecting to be taken care of she reverts to survival mode (focused on herself and not going that extra mile for her man) and arguments ensue; man decides he rathers a dumber quieter woman who really does need him so he won't be challenged. And woman can't understand what's wrong with her and starts to doubt herself. She either swears off men and decides she will do it all alone and becomes jaded. Or she (out of emotional neglect) falls for the first jerk who gives her a little attention.
The scenario is all too familiar Successful focused woman continue settling, or giving up and Robert Blackwell, PHd runs off with Laveeta Brown Walker, GED
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
this is not finished....but i'll post it now and finish it later.
Why do people get married? Why do people get engaged? Why do people get into exclusive relationships? Why do people date?
The simplest reason is that nobody wants to be alone. We are communal creatures. We are happy having somebody to share with. Whether it's sharing good times and laughs or sad times and tears. Humans yearn for other human attention, touch, and, affection. God intended us to be that way. Adam was wonderful, perhaps extra wonderful, which is why God decided he shouldn't be alone. Everybody wants that soulmate, few are lucky to find them. But just as we are compatible on other levels; are souls also have compatability.
I believe we date because we don't want to be alone. When we find somebody whose company we enjoy we spend more time with them. As things progress and more things are shared it becomes an investment and we begin to excuse other people from our lives. We end up in exclusive relationships.
We single said person out and elevate them in our lives, they prioritize us and we do the same to them. This person becomes our primary go to person. And when we realize that this person makes us better people we begin to feel like there is nobody in the world who could be better for us.
We want to have this person in our lives forever; in the capacity that they are in. So to remove them from the possibility of ever leaving us and upgrading another.......we decide to marry.
Marriage is a total different ball game, I've come very close, but not quite there so I'm not sure all it entails. But I know it has to be a beneficial partnership. And it's for life.
Why do people get married? Why do people get engaged? Why do people get into exclusive relationships? Why do people date?
The simplest reason is that nobody wants to be alone. We are communal creatures. We are happy having somebody to share with. Whether it's sharing good times and laughs or sad times and tears. Humans yearn for other human attention, touch, and, affection. God intended us to be that way. Adam was wonderful, perhaps extra wonderful, which is why God decided he shouldn't be alone. Everybody wants that soulmate, few are lucky to find them. But just as we are compatible on other levels; are souls also have compatability.
I believe we date because we don't want to be alone. When we find somebody whose company we enjoy we spend more time with them. As things progress and more things are shared it becomes an investment and we begin to excuse other people from our lives. We end up in exclusive relationships.
We single said person out and elevate them in our lives, they prioritize us and we do the same to them. This person becomes our primary go to person. And when we realize that this person makes us better people we begin to feel like there is nobody in the world who could be better for us.
We want to have this person in our lives forever; in the capacity that they are in. So to remove them from the possibility of ever leaving us and upgrading another.......we decide to marry.
Marriage is a total different ball game, I've come very close, but not quite there so I'm not sure all it entails. But I know it has to be a beneficial partnership. And it's for life.
Friendship......
No matter what the personality type I'm completely sure that EVERYBODY agrees that the best relationships start as friendships. As friends you get to learn each other fairly and objectively. Both parties are themselves, there is little pretention and impressions are pure.
Often times when we approach, or are approached by people because of an attraction it is understood (straightaway) that the intention is to date, get to know each other better, or at the very least have sex (let's keep it real.) And these instances can be likened to crash courses. People can wind up in 3 or 4 month relationships and not know what their GF/BF is allergic to. But after months, or possibly years of friendship one would know not to kiss their boyfriend after just having ate coconut drops. Or if they give their girlfriend pink lemonade her tongue will swell.... this everyone will agree to.
The disparity comes at the opposite scenario. Remaining friends once the relationship is over. Relationships foster an intimant environment, and the person you are involved with is the closest person to you. They know more, see more, share and give more than everybody else.....especially if sexual relations are involved. In some instances lives and futures are so intertwined an individual can feel as though they lost a part of themself.
At the realisation that the relationship isn't going to work many people value the investment and want to hold onto this person as a friend. But what kind of a friend can you be? The friendship will be very intrusive to the next GF/BF and the friendship will mirror that of the relationship greatly. It will sustain and even further certain bonds that shouldn't be found in an ordinary friendship. After all these bonds were created out of more than friendship......Your GF/BF should be your best friend, but when they're no longer your GF/BF they lose those responsibilities as well as priveleges.
But experience (either your own or your friends) will show you it is not so easy. Once again, we create grey areas in a black and white world to make things easier for us. Instead of dealing with the gaping hole created in our lives we attempt to ease ourselves into it by holding onto friendships..... But this is stupid, especially if at least one of the parties continues to have feelings for the other. How can I be somebody's friend if I have feelings for them? Can I really be supportive of their new relationship knowing that I want that role? Can I really accept the fact that my role isn't as significant as it once was? And can you really utilize a friend if you have to filter your life as not to hurt their feelings?
It is very possible that after a break a friendship can receive a new energy; but only if both parties are interested in that situation. Personally, I only have been once, and I can honestly say that the friendship isn't what it once was. And the deficiencies are found in the filters. A certain dynamic now exists that prevents us from being as filter free as we once were. And that is hindering to the element which was the beauty of our friendship. The filters don't allow too much to be said or believed.....(think on that.)
Bottom line, hearts need time to breathe, people need time away from each other. Time to work through what happened, time to completely move on from it. Time to replace and/or redirect that energy, and if applicable love.
Often times when we approach, or are approached by people because of an attraction it is understood (straightaway) that the intention is to date, get to know each other better, or at the very least have sex (let's keep it real.) And these instances can be likened to crash courses. People can wind up in 3 or 4 month relationships and not know what their GF/BF is allergic to. But after months, or possibly years of friendship one would know not to kiss their boyfriend after just having ate coconut drops. Or if they give their girlfriend pink lemonade her tongue will swell.... this everyone will agree to.
The disparity comes at the opposite scenario. Remaining friends once the relationship is over. Relationships foster an intimant environment, and the person you are involved with is the closest person to you. They know more, see more, share and give more than everybody else.....especially if sexual relations are involved. In some instances lives and futures are so intertwined an individual can feel as though they lost a part of themself.
At the realisation that the relationship isn't going to work many people value the investment and want to hold onto this person as a friend. But what kind of a friend can you be? The friendship will be very intrusive to the next GF/BF and the friendship will mirror that of the relationship greatly. It will sustain and even further certain bonds that shouldn't be found in an ordinary friendship. After all these bonds were created out of more than friendship......Your GF/BF should be your best friend, but when they're no longer your GF/BF they lose those responsibilities as well as priveleges.
But experience (either your own or your friends) will show you it is not so easy. Once again, we create grey areas in a black and white world to make things easier for us. Instead of dealing with the gaping hole created in our lives we attempt to ease ourselves into it by holding onto friendships..... But this is stupid, especially if at least one of the parties continues to have feelings for the other. How can I be somebody's friend if I have feelings for them? Can I really be supportive of their new relationship knowing that I want that role? Can I really accept the fact that my role isn't as significant as it once was? And can you really utilize a friend if you have to filter your life as not to hurt their feelings?
It is very possible that after a break a friendship can receive a new energy; but only if both parties are interested in that situation. Personally, I only have been once, and I can honestly say that the friendship isn't what it once was. And the deficiencies are found in the filters. A certain dynamic now exists that prevents us from being as filter free as we once were. And that is hindering to the element which was the beauty of our friendship. The filters don't allow too much to be said or believed.....(think on that.)
Bottom line, hearts need time to breathe, people need time away from each other. Time to work through what happened, time to completely move on from it. Time to replace and/or redirect that energy, and if applicable love.
To wish or not to wish
To wish....or not to wish....does it really matter Current mood: contemplative
It's funny the way we give advice that we would never follow ourselves…..I recently told a friend that if she really wanted to be in an exclusive relationship with a particular man that she should stop dating other men and focus on that one. I am sure that she knows in theory that is the right thing to do. I know that she simply didn't want to put all of her eggs in one basket. But sometimes as friends we are torn between telling what we believe is right, or what we think should be done. I watched way to many Disney movies as a child and I almost always end up doing what I think is right. And through tightly clenched eyes and crossed fingers I sit back and pray for my happy ending…..
But my friend is not Ariel, I am not Belle, there is no such thing as a happy ending if we don't have happy right nows. We live in real life which is not fair. And for the most part, bar the weather, the climate of situations does not change overnight. If somebody isn't interested then they are not interested. And most people do not put anybody else's feelings above their own. They may consider them briefly, but in the end will act in a manner to which is beneficial to them.
I feel bad for my friend because I see what is happening to her, it's happened to many people in the past, and if I don't stay alert I too could fall victim to it. She is a good woman, she is independent, pays her own rent, has a GREAT job with GREAT benefits, makes more money on her own than some of the double income families that I know of. She is kind, talented and beautiful. I think she deserves a good man, if just for the mere fact it would be one less woman out there for me to compete with. But she is not going to prepare herself for the one she wants out of fear that he won't want her back. She played by the rules once before and still lost, so there really is no motivation to go down that road again. Instead, she will date multiple guys, receiving something different from all of them that will make up one good man.
I told her that the good ones are intimidated. They see her in all her perfection and realize that she would make the perfect wife, they know she isn't somebody they would want to lose. She would be the perfect mate as she is supportive and motivating. And when they look at her they see their own flaws. But what they don't realize is that if they were honest, she wouldn't even see their flaws. But instead, they go for easy women which present no future. They pursue women they know they can get because these women are not on their level, and sometimes nowhere near it. Where does that leave my poor friend?
I wish I could tell her. I no longer feel comfortable telling her to just wait, things will get better; he will come to his senses; the one who is right for you will not put you through this. But the truth is, I don't believe those things myself. After all, I'm single too. And the truth is, if I could tell her what to do, I would have done it myself. And if I knew the words to make her feel better I would too. So I will continue listening and advising her to wait for Prince Charming…..
It's funny the way we give advice that we would never follow ourselves…..I recently told a friend that if she really wanted to be in an exclusive relationship with a particular man that she should stop dating other men and focus on that one. I am sure that she knows in theory that is the right thing to do. I know that she simply didn't want to put all of her eggs in one basket. But sometimes as friends we are torn between telling what we believe is right, or what we think should be done. I watched way to many Disney movies as a child and I almost always end up doing what I think is right. And through tightly clenched eyes and crossed fingers I sit back and pray for my happy ending…..
But my friend is not Ariel, I am not Belle, there is no such thing as a happy ending if we don't have happy right nows. We live in real life which is not fair. And for the most part, bar the weather, the climate of situations does not change overnight. If somebody isn't interested then they are not interested. And most people do not put anybody else's feelings above their own. They may consider them briefly, but in the end will act in a manner to which is beneficial to them.
I feel bad for my friend because I see what is happening to her, it's happened to many people in the past, and if I don't stay alert I too could fall victim to it. She is a good woman, she is independent, pays her own rent, has a GREAT job with GREAT benefits, makes more money on her own than some of the double income families that I know of. She is kind, talented and beautiful. I think she deserves a good man, if just for the mere fact it would be one less woman out there for me to compete with. But she is not going to prepare herself for the one she wants out of fear that he won't want her back. She played by the rules once before and still lost, so there really is no motivation to go down that road again. Instead, she will date multiple guys, receiving something different from all of them that will make up one good man.
I told her that the good ones are intimidated. They see her in all her perfection and realize that she would make the perfect wife, they know she isn't somebody they would want to lose. She would be the perfect mate as she is supportive and motivating. And when they look at her they see their own flaws. But what they don't realize is that if they were honest, she wouldn't even see their flaws. But instead, they go for easy women which present no future. They pursue women they know they can get because these women are not on their level, and sometimes nowhere near it. Where does that leave my poor friend?
I wish I could tell her. I no longer feel comfortable telling her to just wait, things will get better; he will come to his senses; the one who is right for you will not put you through this. But the truth is, I don't believe those things myself. After all, I'm single too. And the truth is, if I could tell her what to do, I would have done it myself. And if I knew the words to make her feel better I would too. So I will continue listening and advising her to wait for Prince Charming…..
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
even mountains start as mole hills
This past Thanksgiving I was watching the children play. I watched my younger cousin (14 months) attempt to take a toy (which didn’t belong to either of them) from her older brother(6 years). He wouldn’t give it to her. After 10 minutes, his mother urged him to share with his younger sister; but he wouldn’t budge. Hours later after dinner the two were at it again. The mother’s next step was to reach out to him on a level that would boost his ego. “Give your sister the truck,” she said. “She’s a baby she only wants it because you have it. In 5 minutes she will forget about it.” His little head tilted, he considered the idea and reluctantly handed the truck over to his sister.
Very happy to receive the much awaited toy my darling played and played and played. No other toy in the room interested her. Eventually her brother wanted his truck back and attempted to take it from her. She would not loosen her grip, finally he tried to reason with her as his mom did with him; she would not loosen her grip. Exasperated he approached his mother and asked her why his sister hadn’t given the truck up yet. His mother simply coddled him and promised him a new truck for Christmas. The fuss over the truck was over.
Before my aunt’s family left for the evening the little girl was instructed to leave the truck behind as it belonged to the 12 yr. old cousin who lived there. The 12-year-old said it was okay for his younger cousin to take the truck home. He told the family about how much he loved the truck and since he no longer played with it he was happy for it to bring happiness to the baby. The next day my aunt called back to thank the older cousin because apparently the baby had been playing with that single truck all day long.
Just before ending a routine phone conversation with my aunt yesterday I asked her if the baby was still playing with the truck. Sadly she informed me that her husband put a stop to that weeks ago. It seems the truck had small parts and her father didn’t want her to break any of them off and swallow them. I wondered why he didn’t think of that when the truck was given to the baby. It seems he didn’t want to deal with it at the time, wanted to see the baby happy, and hadn’t thought it all the way through.
I am disturbed by the whole scenario from start to finish. For starters, my aunt should not have told her son that the baby only wanted the toy because he had it. This is a seed that we plant in children’s minds that grow to be misinformed trees. It was clear that the baby didn’t want the toy because of her brother. He may be responsible for bringing it to her attention; but she wanted the toy for herself. So now brother will go through life thinking that people will want things just because he has them. How many times have said, or heard people say “when I’m single nobody wants me, but when I’m in a relationship everybody wants me.” This statement bothers me, and I recognize that is a seed that has been watered and cultivated. There are so many other contributing factors that go unrealized because people tend to fall on this crutch.
My second major issue is that my aunt didn’t explain to her son that he should share with his sister because she was clearly in distress and in need of her older brother to be there for him. Lessons of caring begin in the home. He should not have been tricked into sharing. He should want to. He needs to grow up to be an older brother. I considered for a moment that his mother elevated him to older brother while infantilizing his sister’s actions. This caused him to feel as though he was older. But it also had the adverse affect of pitting him against his sister which could cause resentment. I realize that I’m taking a serious stance on the subject however it’s best to be analytical now while a difference can still be made.
Lastly, the father in this situation should have behaved as a father when the time presented itself. Instead, to keep the baby quiet he put off making a decision. A decision that would have to be made eventually. He waited for a time that was convenient for him. Many parents don’t understand that your child comes first, their health, well being, safety, and the lessons that they must learn and be taught. I’m actually shocked that he took the toy from her, after all by the time he was ready to “deal with,” as he so eloquently put it, baby had already proven that she could handle the truck.
Just because things have always been done doesn’t mean that they are right. We need to cease and desist immediately with these tactics, ideas, and, rituals that don’t make sense. We need to play our roles in the family and hold our family members accountable to them as well. Unfortunately my aunt is not the type of person who can easily be informed about her household, most people are not. By no means are these children scarred, however I find it my duty as older cousin to share my ideas with my aunt in a non-confrontational manner. And fill the gaps that I see missing. Playing an active role in these children’s lives and influencing them positively is my job and I happily accept it
Very happy to receive the much awaited toy my darling played and played and played. No other toy in the room interested her. Eventually her brother wanted his truck back and attempted to take it from her. She would not loosen her grip, finally he tried to reason with her as his mom did with him; she would not loosen her grip. Exasperated he approached his mother and asked her why his sister hadn’t given the truck up yet. His mother simply coddled him and promised him a new truck for Christmas. The fuss over the truck was over.
Before my aunt’s family left for the evening the little girl was instructed to leave the truck behind as it belonged to the 12 yr. old cousin who lived there. The 12-year-old said it was okay for his younger cousin to take the truck home. He told the family about how much he loved the truck and since he no longer played with it he was happy for it to bring happiness to the baby. The next day my aunt called back to thank the older cousin because apparently the baby had been playing with that single truck all day long.
Just before ending a routine phone conversation with my aunt yesterday I asked her if the baby was still playing with the truck. Sadly she informed me that her husband put a stop to that weeks ago. It seems the truck had small parts and her father didn’t want her to break any of them off and swallow them. I wondered why he didn’t think of that when the truck was given to the baby. It seems he didn’t want to deal with it at the time, wanted to see the baby happy, and hadn’t thought it all the way through.
I am disturbed by the whole scenario from start to finish. For starters, my aunt should not have told her son that the baby only wanted the toy because he had it. This is a seed that we plant in children’s minds that grow to be misinformed trees. It was clear that the baby didn’t want the toy because of her brother. He may be responsible for bringing it to her attention; but she wanted the toy for herself. So now brother will go through life thinking that people will want things just because he has them. How many times have said, or heard people say “when I’m single nobody wants me, but when I’m in a relationship everybody wants me.” This statement bothers me, and I recognize that is a seed that has been watered and cultivated. There are so many other contributing factors that go unrealized because people tend to fall on this crutch.
My second major issue is that my aunt didn’t explain to her son that he should share with his sister because she was clearly in distress and in need of her older brother to be there for him. Lessons of caring begin in the home. He should not have been tricked into sharing. He should want to. He needs to grow up to be an older brother. I considered for a moment that his mother elevated him to older brother while infantilizing his sister’s actions. This caused him to feel as though he was older. But it also had the adverse affect of pitting him against his sister which could cause resentment. I realize that I’m taking a serious stance on the subject however it’s best to be analytical now while a difference can still be made.
Lastly, the father in this situation should have behaved as a father when the time presented itself. Instead, to keep the baby quiet he put off making a decision. A decision that would have to be made eventually. He waited for a time that was convenient for him. Many parents don’t understand that your child comes first, their health, well being, safety, and the lessons that they must learn and be taught. I’m actually shocked that he took the toy from her, after all by the time he was ready to “deal with,” as he so eloquently put it, baby had already proven that she could handle the truck.
Just because things have always been done doesn’t mean that they are right. We need to cease and desist immediately with these tactics, ideas, and, rituals that don’t make sense. We need to play our roles in the family and hold our family members accountable to them as well. Unfortunately my aunt is not the type of person who can easily be informed about her household, most people are not. By no means are these children scarred, however I find it my duty as older cousin to share my ideas with my aunt in a non-confrontational manner. And fill the gaps that I see missing. Playing an active role in these children’s lives and influencing them positively is my job and I happily accept it
Monday, December 10, 2007
Love is my best friend
Love....I remember when I stopped looking for it....when I realized I already had it. But until one learns to love them self, they cannot truly recognize it. I was looking for the wrong thing. What I had was simple, pure, and, true....empirical; something like a miracle.
And it's most amazing that such love almost revealed itself to me, but it was not time, and the revelation was rescinded. But not hidden, simply not handed to me on the platter I would've liked; no such presentation was awarded, perhaps because I didn't do my part. But I have seen it now.
The love I speak of saved me before, before I recognized it. But I took it for granted. I knew it was there, I just didn't know what it was. My love stayed with me even when I'd given up. And the best part about it is that my love was never overbearing. It was there when I needed it most, and took a seat in the wings when I thought I didn't. Love has been a protector, a confidant, and strength. Love has been, and is, my best friend.
Now that I see my love, I wonder if subconsciously I knew all along. After all, my love was the only one I never lied to; the one I care most about....and so interestingly, the one I never gave my heart to....Now that I know I can only pray to handle it accordingly. My prayer will be for patience, clarity, understanding and most importantly the ability to hold onto and make the most of this blessing...this gift....of love.
And it's most amazing that such love almost revealed itself to me, but it was not time, and the revelation was rescinded. But not hidden, simply not handed to me on the platter I would've liked; no such presentation was awarded, perhaps because I didn't do my part. But I have seen it now.
The love I speak of saved me before, before I recognized it. But I took it for granted. I knew it was there, I just didn't know what it was. My love stayed with me even when I'd given up. And the best part about it is that my love was never overbearing. It was there when I needed it most, and took a seat in the wings when I thought I didn't. Love has been a protector, a confidant, and strength. Love has been, and is, my best friend.
Now that I see my love, I wonder if subconsciously I knew all along. After all, my love was the only one I never lied to; the one I care most about....and so interestingly, the one I never gave my heart to....Now that I know I can only pray to handle it accordingly. My prayer will be for patience, clarity, understanding and most importantly the ability to hold onto and make the most of this blessing...this gift....of love.
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