even mountains start as mole hills

This past Thanksgiving I was watching the children play. I watched my younger cousin (14 months) attempt to take a toy (which didn’t belong to either of them) from her older brother(6 years). He wouldn’t give it to her. After 10 minutes, his mother urged him to share with his younger sister; but he wouldn’t budge. Hours later after dinner the two were at it again. The mother’s next step was to reach out to him on a level that would boost his ego. “Give your sister the truck,” she said. “She’s a baby she only wants it because you have it. In 5 minutes she will forget about it.” His little head tilted, he considered the idea and reluctantly handed the truck over to his sister.

Very happy to receive the much awaited toy my darling played and played and played. No other toy in the room interested her. Eventually her brother wanted his truck back and attempted to take it from her. She would not loosen her grip, finally he tried to reason with her as his mom did with him; she would not loosen her grip. Exasperated he approached his mother and asked her why his sister hadn’t given the truck up yet. His mother simply coddled him and promised him a new truck for Christmas. The fuss over the truck was over.

Before my aunt’s family left for the evening the little girl was instructed to leave the truck behind as it belonged to the 12 yr. old cousin who lived there. The 12-year-old said it was okay for his younger cousin to take the truck home. He told the family about how much he loved the truck and since he no longer played with it he was happy for it to bring happiness to the baby. The next day my aunt called back to thank the older cousin because apparently the baby had been playing with that single truck all day long.

Just before ending a routine phone conversation with my aunt yesterday I asked her if the baby was still playing with the truck. Sadly she informed me that her husband put a stop to that weeks ago. It seems the truck had small parts and her father didn’t want her to break any of them off and swallow them. I wondered why he didn’t think of that when the truck was given to the baby. It seems he didn’t want to deal with it at the time, wanted to see the baby happy, and hadn’t thought it all the way through.

I am disturbed by the whole scenario from start to finish. For starters, my aunt should not have told her son that the baby only wanted the toy because he had it. This is a seed that we plant in children’s minds that grow to be misinformed trees. It was clear that the baby didn’t want the toy because of her brother. He may be responsible for bringing it to her attention; but she wanted the toy for herself. So now brother will go through life thinking that people will want things just because he has them. How many times have said, or heard people say “when I’m single nobody wants me, but when I’m in a relationship everybody wants me.” This statement bothers me, and I recognize that is a seed that has been watered and cultivated. There are so many other contributing factors that go unrealized because people tend to fall on this crutch.

My second major issue is that my aunt didn’t explain to her son that he should share with his sister because she was clearly in distress and in need of her older brother to be there for him. Lessons of caring begin in the home. He should not have been tricked into sharing. He should want to. He needs to grow up to be an older brother. I considered for a moment that his mother elevated him to older brother while infantilizing his sister’s actions. This caused him to feel as though he was older. But it also had the adverse affect of pitting him against his sister which could cause resentment. I realize that I’m taking a serious stance on the subject however it’s best to be analytical now while a difference can still be made.

Lastly, the father in this situation should have behaved as a father when the time presented itself. Instead, to keep the baby quiet he put off making a decision. A decision that would have to be made eventually. He waited for a time that was convenient for him. Many parents don’t understand that your child comes first, their health, well being, safety, and the lessons that they must learn and be taught. I’m actually shocked that he took the toy from her, after all by the time he was ready to “deal with,” as he so eloquently put it, baby had already proven that she could handle the truck.

Just because things have always been done doesn’t mean that they are right. We need to cease and desist immediately with these tactics, ideas, and, rituals that don’t make sense. We need to play our roles in the family and hold our family members accountable to them as well. Unfortunately my aunt is not the type of person who can easily be informed about her household, most people are not. By no means are these children scarred, however I find it my duty as older cousin to share my ideas with my aunt in a non-confrontational manner. And fill the gaps that I see missing. Playing an active role in these children’s lives and influencing them positively is my job and I happily accept it