It's a combination of not having enough time- and not having any motivation....this came to me on my ride to work this morning.......
I loved you in a place where everything stood still
Where there was no reality of space a time
Where I pushed ahead and moderation didn’t exist
And only focusing on us was great and not a crime
I loved you in a place where nothing mattered at all
Where there was no reality or gravity or anything at my center
Where I pull behind me nothing and move forward with all force
And only you and I can make sense in my mind
I still love you in a place where I don’t care about anything else
Where reality ceases to exist and I only focus on you
Where I have everything and nothing and that’s all I need
And the chaotic order that haunts me is fine
Friday, September 12, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Black In America
Almost a week after Soledad O'Brien's BLACK IN AMERICA documentary; people are still talking. This morning on a popular morning radio talkshow a caller was outraged because he felt that the positives of being black in America were not highlighted as much as they should have been. He went on to say that with Barack Obama getting ready to become President we should leave the pain and poverty of the past behind. That idiot was invited to call the show tomorrow morning at which time there will be a scheduled discussion.
Ms. O'Brien's documentary did an excellent job of depicting the Black America that is forgotten about- primarily because of the successes of Barack Obama, Condoleezza Rice, Oprah Winfrey and other prominent Black figures. Why does America constantly forget that there are people who live in this country who are working the same jobs with the same intensity; some make $50,000 a year, and others are only grossing $14,000 a year. It's not just in Louisiana that people are too disadvantaged to flee before the storm- no matter how still the quiet.
The vast median of Black people are not politicians, investment bankers, or doctors. And when there is a deficienty of exposure it only greatens the caveat of things people don't know that they don't know. It is important to remember the past pains- and pay attention to the poverty to understand the various mindsets of the 35 million African Americans.
BLACK IN AMERICA was not illustrating a Black family that live and plays in the Upper Middle Class. It also didn't illustrate people who migrate here and by 2nd generation they are living and playing in the Upper Middle Class. BIA illustrated the average Black person in a race that only accounts for 12% of the population, but is spending over $520 million dollars annually.
Ms. O'Brien didn't go into detail about the gross brand sensitivity that exists within the Black-American culture. However, she gave a very insightful look into the lives of the people to whom (according to Nielsen) advertisers spend $805 million annually to target. Over 35% of the entire advertising and marketing costs are directed towards Black-Americans. Soledad O'Brien gave faces, and a backstory to the 12.9 million households that are contributing so heftily to the American economy.
While the idiot caller is wondering why more notable Blacks are not highlighted- he should also wonder why only 14% of Black Americans have a Bachelors Degree or higher; yet Blacks spent over $33billion on new cars.
Ms. O'Brien's documentary did an excellent job of depicting the Black America that is forgotten about- primarily because of the successes of Barack Obama, Condoleezza Rice, Oprah Winfrey and other prominent Black figures. Why does America constantly forget that there are people who live in this country who are working the same jobs with the same intensity; some make $50,000 a year, and others are only grossing $14,000 a year. It's not just in Louisiana that people are too disadvantaged to flee before the storm- no matter how still the quiet.
The vast median of Black people are not politicians, investment bankers, or doctors. And when there is a deficienty of exposure it only greatens the caveat of things people don't know that they don't know. It is important to remember the past pains- and pay attention to the poverty to understand the various mindsets of the 35 million African Americans.
BLACK IN AMERICA was not illustrating a Black family that live and plays in the Upper Middle Class. It also didn't illustrate people who migrate here and by 2nd generation they are living and playing in the Upper Middle Class. BIA illustrated the average Black person in a race that only accounts for 12% of the population, but is spending over $520 million dollars annually.
Ms. O'Brien didn't go into detail about the gross brand sensitivity that exists within the Black-American culture. However, she gave a very insightful look into the lives of the people to whom (according to Nielsen) advertisers spend $805 million annually to target. Over 35% of the entire advertising and marketing costs are directed towards Black-Americans. Soledad O'Brien gave faces, and a backstory to the 12.9 million households that are contributing so heftily to the American economy.
While the idiot caller is wondering why more notable Blacks are not highlighted- he should also wonder why only 14% of Black Americans have a Bachelors Degree or higher; yet Blacks spent over $33billion on new cars.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
PUNISHMENT
On the phone with my sister girl lastnite she paused to chastise her daughter.
Apparently, the almost 3-year-old stepped behind the television, where she wasn't supposed to be, and then got her legs tangled in the cords and couldn't get out. After having told the child not to go back there several times, my sister decided to leave the child back there for a couple minutes. She reminded her that she had no business back there, and told her she was going to leave there until bed time. I knew she had no intention of doing such thing, but I'm sure the child felt a range of emotions.
Babies rely on their mothers, so by mother not helping her get out of an uncomfortable and semi-chaotic spot it breaks that team notion that mom will pick up the slack every time. It causes baby to think on a more independent level and after enough incidences baby will think before acting realizing that mom may not.....or will not assist. I think this is a very important lesson.....
I am sure that when I am a mother I will do the same thing. However, when I think back to my tweens and teens these lessons were not so effective. I felt like they drove a wedge between my parents and I. Life will have so many lessons, I don't need to learn lessons at home. While I am grateful for some, I'm still not so happy with others- but it balances out.
Many of us who grew up with these types of parents (I take my hat off to all of you because it's hard to teach your kids effectively) grow up with the lesson giving mentality. We take it all through life and apply it in spheres where we should be promoting dependence and teamwork.
These lessons were to teach independence--so when your co-worker does something you don't agree with, proverbially "teaching them a lesson" draws a divide on the team. Because somebody did something you didn't agree with, is it now right to be tardy on your reports? That is consequently going to hold everybody up-and just may come back to you somehow. It will definitely lessen the motivation of the "lesson learner" to continue working with you.
When your BF/GF does something you don't agree with, why wouldn't you want to draw them closer to you as opposed to pushing them away with negative reinforcements? If you don't like that your honey told friends about an argument, why would you stop speaking to them? That's just going to push them further. And probably fuel them to tell everybody that you're being even more stubborn
If your neighbor puts their trash out to early without a can, and you now a raccoon is going to tear it up, why wouldn't u pull their can around front and help them? Realize, their trash will undeniably make the entire block look bad. So who is really learning the lesson?
Personally, I react very negatively when I realize somebody is trying to make an example out of me, or teach me something. As a child, there was nothing worse to me than my mom saying "I was going to take you (insert fun here) but you don't deserve it so I'm not." I believe that is torture. If as a mother you no longer want to sacrifice the money on taking me someplace, then don't-it's your prerogative. But why do you need to tell me? Especially if I didn't ask. Now, if I asked and was looking forward to it, that's a totally different story. And now as an adult that has carried over and magnified 200 times over. People telling me what they're not going to do because of my attitude and actions makes me so upset; it makes me not want to deal with them at all. My reactions is Who do you think you are? You are not here to to teach me a lesson!
The fact of the matter is, sometimes instead of trying to teach others, we should teach ourselves more effective ways with dealing with the issue at hand. We can learn how to avoid such problem in the future. We should verbally communicate, and not leave it to our actions.
Apparently, the almost 3-year-old stepped behind the television, where she wasn't supposed to be, and then got her legs tangled in the cords and couldn't get out. After having told the child not to go back there several times, my sister decided to leave the child back there for a couple minutes. She reminded her that she had no business back there, and told her she was going to leave there until bed time. I knew she had no intention of doing such thing, but I'm sure the child felt a range of emotions.
Babies rely on their mothers, so by mother not helping her get out of an uncomfortable and semi-chaotic spot it breaks that team notion that mom will pick up the slack every time. It causes baby to think on a more independent level and after enough incidences baby will think before acting realizing that mom may not.....or will not assist. I think this is a very important lesson.....
I am sure that when I am a mother I will do the same thing. However, when I think back to my tweens and teens these lessons were not so effective. I felt like they drove a wedge between my parents and I. Life will have so many lessons, I don't need to learn lessons at home. While I am grateful for some, I'm still not so happy with others- but it balances out.
Many of us who grew up with these types of parents (I take my hat off to all of you because it's hard to teach your kids effectively) grow up with the lesson giving mentality. We take it all through life and apply it in spheres where we should be promoting dependence and teamwork.
These lessons were to teach independence--so when your co-worker does something you don't agree with, proverbially "teaching them a lesson" draws a divide on the team. Because somebody did something you didn't agree with, is it now right to be tardy on your reports? That is consequently going to hold everybody up-and just may come back to you somehow. It will definitely lessen the motivation of the "lesson learner" to continue working with you.
When your BF/GF does something you don't agree with, why wouldn't you want to draw them closer to you as opposed to pushing them away with negative reinforcements? If you don't like that your honey told friends about an argument, why would you stop speaking to them? That's just going to push them further. And probably fuel them to tell everybody that you're being even more stubborn
If your neighbor puts their trash out to early without a can, and you now a raccoon is going to tear it up, why wouldn't u pull their can around front and help them? Realize, their trash will undeniably make the entire block look bad. So who is really learning the lesson?
Personally, I react very negatively when I realize somebody is trying to make an example out of me, or teach me something. As a child, there was nothing worse to me than my mom saying "I was going to take you (insert fun here) but you don't deserve it so I'm not." I believe that is torture. If as a mother you no longer want to sacrifice the money on taking me someplace, then don't-it's your prerogative. But why do you need to tell me? Especially if I didn't ask. Now, if I asked and was looking forward to it, that's a totally different story. And now as an adult that has carried over and magnified 200 times over. People telling me what they're not going to do because of my attitude and actions makes me so upset; it makes me not want to deal with them at all. My reactions is Who do you think you are? You are not here to to teach me a lesson!
The fact of the matter is, sometimes instead of trying to teach others, we should teach ourselves more effective ways with dealing with the issue at hand. We can learn how to avoid such problem in the future. We should verbally communicate, and not leave it to our actions.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
CHOICES - Part I
It is SO amazing what can spark a thought, or jog a memory. While having a corny Hopkins moment this evening, I watched Evan Almighty with my family.....after a nice Father's Day dinner {I diced the celery :o) } As silly as the movie was, it definitely sparked some thought on asking and receiving.....from God.
God has given us free will. It would probably be a lot easier for us ALL to get into heaven if we didn't. And we all did the right thing, all the time. But that is not the world in which we live. It would make God happiest if we listened to Him, always decided according to His will, and gave Him glory in all we did. However, He still gives us an option, He still allows us to choose.
If God will give us a choice, above His own happiness, does it make sense that He will take away our choice for our own happiness? I think not!
I think back to all of the sermons and lessons that I've received that instructed me to be specific in my prayer, and not to block my blessings. I recall one in particular where my Pastor (Bishop W. Raymond Whitaker, II of Greater Free Gift Baptist Cathedral,) illustrated that if you are praying for a job, you need to be out looking for a job. And all the many songs telling that "God will make a way."
It is indeed the way that God will provide. And this rule applies across the board. When we pray for money, God is not going to wake us up to a pile of hundreds, or give us the winning lottery numbers; but He may create more overtime at our jobs, or give us an opportunity to make more money. Most people however, do not recognize the opportunity given to us. When we are praying for a new car to get to our new midnight - 6am job, we think the Crazy Eddie's radio commercial offering no down payments to low and bad credit scores are a sign from God, as opposed to offering helping that old sister from the Missionary Society who not only would allow you to use her vehicle because she doesn't go out after 8:00pm anyway; but, would also watch your kids, so if anything happened to that car, you wouldn't be rushing home because you didn't have adequate or responsible child care.
Another element that we miss is whether or not it is in God's will. If it is God's will for us to marry a certain person, we will have the opportunity to delight in such an event. If we pray for happiness, God isn't going to have us walking around smiling for no reason, but create opportunities to make us smile. Or create opportunities for us to eliminate elements in our life that impede such happiness.
God will always give us a choice. If he does not take away our choice for his own happiness, he is not going to take it away for our own. RECOGNIZING the RIGHT choice however is the key.
Stay tuned for Part II- Recognizing the Right Choice.
God has given us free will. It would probably be a lot easier for us ALL to get into heaven if we didn't. And we all did the right thing, all the time. But that is not the world in which we live. It would make God happiest if we listened to Him, always decided according to His will, and gave Him glory in all we did. However, He still gives us an option, He still allows us to choose.
If God will give us a choice, above His own happiness, does it make sense that He will take away our choice for our own happiness? I think not!
I think back to all of the sermons and lessons that I've received that instructed me to be specific in my prayer, and not to block my blessings. I recall one in particular where my Pastor (Bishop W. Raymond Whitaker, II of Greater Free Gift Baptist Cathedral,) illustrated that if you are praying for a job, you need to be out looking for a job. And all the many songs telling that "God will make a way."
It is indeed the way that God will provide. And this rule applies across the board. When we pray for money, God is not going to wake us up to a pile of hundreds, or give us the winning lottery numbers; but He may create more overtime at our jobs, or give us an opportunity to make more money. Most people however, do not recognize the opportunity given to us. When we are praying for a new car to get to our new midnight - 6am job, we think the Crazy Eddie's radio commercial offering no down payments to low and bad credit scores are a sign from God, as opposed to offering helping that old sister from the Missionary Society who not only would allow you to use her vehicle because she doesn't go out after 8:00pm anyway; but, would also watch your kids, so if anything happened to that car, you wouldn't be rushing home because you didn't have adequate or responsible child care.
Another element that we miss is whether or not it is in God's will. If it is God's will for us to marry a certain person, we will have the opportunity to delight in such an event. If we pray for happiness, God isn't going to have us walking around smiling for no reason, but create opportunities to make us smile. Or create opportunities for us to eliminate elements in our life that impede such happiness.
God will always give us a choice. If he does not take away our choice for his own happiness, he is not going to take it away for our own. RECOGNIZING the RIGHT choice however is the key.
Stay tuned for Part II- Recognizing the Right Choice.
Friday, May 30, 2008
I love you
When I look into your eyes, I see depths that my wildest dreams cannot imagine
When I feel your heartbeat I feel a strength I cannot comprehend
Your nature has a control of me- that's visible to all
The passion that exists- the passion that flows- the fire that burns
I pray that we fan the flames forever
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Star is still in the sky
Good Morning (Neighbor)
Over the last few weeks I've received numerous e-mails, texts, phone calls and comments from people wondering why I haven't had any new posts. In response, I sent out a morning message last week; however I still didn't have anything blog-worthy......
I honestly haven't had anything to share. I've been straightening some things out----- which have been the forefront of my mind. And I haven't felt moved to write about these things. I haven't really been very poetic, and way too busy for prose.
It's not my style to do things just for the sake of doing things. And I'm not going to post just for the sake of posting. I'm not going to pretend that something is more important or interesting to me than it really is. ---- So again, I am fine. I am still thinking, and as soon as the time is right I'll be back on blogspot. Until then be steadfast and diligent in your thinking, and above all else--- GET UNDERSTANDING!!!!!
Be blessed until we meet again,
Nay---L'etoil.
Over the last few weeks I've received numerous e-mails, texts, phone calls and comments from people wondering why I haven't had any new posts. In response, I sent out a morning message last week; however I still didn't have anything blog-worthy......
I honestly haven't had anything to share. I've been straightening some things out----- which have been the forefront of my mind. And I haven't felt moved to write about these things. I haven't really been very poetic, and way too busy for prose.
It's not my style to do things just for the sake of doing things. And I'm not going to post just for the sake of posting. I'm not going to pretend that something is more important or interesting to me than it really is. ---- So again, I am fine. I am still thinking, and as soon as the time is right I'll be back on blogspot. Until then be steadfast and diligent in your thinking, and above all else--- GET UNDERSTANDING!!!!!
Be blessed until we meet again,
Nay---L'etoil.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Premature
Man cannot survive on bread alone
Man is not meant to be alone
Numerous creations of art in numerous forms cite love, romance and their place in society. For Christians, the mere creation of Eve to keep Adam's company is enough. It is wholly accepted that people are social creatures, and everybody desires to partner off and travel through life with as a pair.
The media (not just American) plays a big role in placing a high focus and level of urgency on finding such partner that statistically, most people are partnering off prematurely; Hence, over half of American marriages end in divorce. Such number is lower than the fracturing of other partnered relations that do not even make it to the official accepted commitment of marriage.
The focus of relationships and the idea of falling in love is plaguing younger and younger people at a most alarming rate. Within the span of one generation girls were considered "fast" to be engaging in certain extra curricular activities with boys, and now girls of the same age are not only engaging in these activities but are doing so openly. This fad of pairing off is diminishing of the point of doing so. It has become pointless and effectively meaningless.
Of course, I am imparting my lifestyle, ideals, and, principles on everyone and measuring them against the Naomi's metre-stick of life.....but this is my blog (kisses).
With companionship as a given, it seems to me that unless partnering off for survival, the only other reason is for self improvement. After finding, or (for those of us who haven't yet accepted that we're ALWAYS looking) "happening" upon somebody who we (are probably first attracted to) like spending time with, we begin to evaluate other factors. Based upon our personal lists of what we will and won't deal with we either gravitate towards or away from the individual in question. So, it also seems to me, that these personal lists that we have are subjective; and some people will accept so much more than others, why do people settle?
The need to be paired off, or wanted is so great that some people will stay in an unhealthy or otherwise non-stimulating situation just to avoid not being alone. In essence, contributing to the high relationship-failure rate. Perhaps more relationships would survive if people actually waited until they found (lol, or happened upon) a person who they were more compatible (than not) with.
Certain elements such as trust, communication, and agreement are usually attributed to healthy relationships, however there are some other important ones that are overlooked. To live together, people need to be able to grow together. Growing is inevitable, and unless growing in the same direction, a couple cannot expect to remain a couple. Two people must also have a basic understanding of each other, acceptance of a person's ideas and actions are not enough, one must understand why their partner makes the choices they do to alleviate frustration and alienation. Lastly, I believe that many people overlook the fact that two people should be at similar places in their lives.
These things are very important to me. I am excited to happen upon the person who accepts me for who I am, and most importantly understands why I am. Someone who like me is not where there want to be as yet, but has a strong sense of self. Someone who I can share a transient understanding, a special element with. Whose mind and status can maintain such element which my soul recognizes as its complimentary counterpart.....the S to my N. The South to my North.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Injustice
Good Morning!
The three police officers on trial for the killing of Sean Bell were all acquitted this morning. The judge (not jury) found them not guiilty on all charges. How could unarmed men be fired at 50 times, and be at fault?
Historically, police officers are usually acquitted in cases of this kind. And this time, the racial motivation was played down because two of the three officers are Black. Why is it that White kids are never mistakenly shot? Or never have hairbrushes or cell phones mistaken for guns? Why is it that White children are referred to as teenagers and citizens, and Blacks are referred to as youth and male/female, respectively?
This is a Black/White thing; this is another example of the injustice of the justice system. This is another example of the Black community not taking social responsibility to ensure that they are treated with respect.
Sean bell (and company) may have been obeying the law, but how many young Black teenagers do not? How many times do older people not impart their knowledge and experiences on the younger generation? How often do successful people act unaffected and too far removed to make a difference?
It's no longer a matter of when is the madness going to stop? But when are those of us who can make a difference going to.
I am proud to report that as soon as I heard the verdict I promptly called my 16-year-old cousin and AGAIN reminded him about appropriate behavior with the law. That tomorrow morning after my NCNW chapter meeting I will be running a Girl Scout meeting with 11 six-eight year olds and we will AGAIN be having a meeting about current events and deciding on summertime events based on the grades they achieve in school.
I vote, I serve my community, and I am as current as current can be on events that affect my community. So I have the right to comment and challenge. I am not only my sister's, but my brother's keeper as well.
Today I leave with you a quote by Shirley Chisolm:
"Community Service is the rent we pay by getting to live on this earth"
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Over and Over
Over and over
No end in sight
Over and Over
Gotta get this right
Repeat
Cycle
Circle
Repitition
This can't be right
We've got to do bette
Over and Over
Gotta get this right
Habit
Role
Rehearsal
Homo
I know where we went wrong
I see the catalyst
Over and Over
Gotta get this right
Mundane
Same
Similar
Monotonous
Over and Over
Gotta get this right
I see where we went wrong
Won't stop 'til it's tight
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Untitled 3 of the Incomplete Series
You looked into my eyes and told me there was nobody else
You looked into my face and told me it was only me
My remaining question is why?
Was there nobody else because there really was nobody else?
Or was there nobody else because you only wanted me?
What seemed like perfection was not.
What I thought was perfection was far from it.
All of my proposals were rejected
My remaining question was why?
Why did you run?
Why did you alter what was there?
So much seemingly unfinished
All the emotion and experiences don't disappear
Goodbye doesn't erase time and effort
My remaining question is why?
Why isn't this but a memory yet?
Why do you stop me from moving on?
You looked into my face and told me it was only me
My remaining question is why?
Was there nobody else because there really was nobody else?
Or was there nobody else because you only wanted me?
What seemed like perfection was not.
What I thought was perfection was far from it.
All of my proposals were rejected
My remaining question was why?
Why did you run?
Why did you alter what was there?
So much seemingly unfinished
All the emotion and experiences don't disappear
Goodbye doesn't erase time and effort
My remaining question is why?
Why isn't this but a memory yet?
Why do you stop me from moving on?
You
Months and days of fights....
HANGING UP- YELLING
Seemed things would never be right
HANGING UP- YELLING
Seemed things would never be right
He pulls- I push
We resist
HE WON'T COMPLY- I CAN'T TAKE IT
But I still persist
We resist
HE WON'T COMPLY- I CAN'T TAKE IT
But I still persist
Finally-
I leave taking advantage of the peace that is at hand
But just as soon as I return and we're in each other's presence again
Who do I run into, but my one night stand
Monday, April 21, 2008
Why
Why do we limit ourselves?
Why do we contract our own possibilities?
My father once told me; "The world is your oyster; do not create a box for yourself."
Why do we predict that things won't work and not even attempt them? Are we the Oracle of this matrix? Have we never been wrong? So, why all of a sudden do we believe the frightened voice inside of us that echoes our inadequacies?
Why don't we have enough faith in ourselves to move forward and charge ahead claiming what we want; what we feel we should have. All the tools we need to conquer anything are available to us.
Why do we allow other people's views and opinions of us matter so much? These are generally people who do not contribute positively to our lives at all. Yet, one negative comment from them and we're altering our habits and routines.
After a recent conversation with a friend, I realize that even he puts too much stock in my opinions and ideas. I have my life to live, he has his, and you.....reader.....have yours. I have learned to make decisions that I can live with, and I can sleep with. Decisions that cause me to question my admission to heaven when the time comes.....and decisions that I don't feel like I have to defend......my hang ups are my own......and my passes are my own.
Be blessed.....
"Before you talk about the splinter in your neighbor's eye, remove the plank from your own." - Somewhere in the book of Matthew I believe.......
Why do we contract our own possibilities?
My father once told me; "The world is your oyster; do not create a box for yourself."
Why do we predict that things won't work and not even attempt them? Are we the Oracle of this matrix? Have we never been wrong? So, why all of a sudden do we believe the frightened voice inside of us that echoes our inadequacies?
Why don't we have enough faith in ourselves to move forward and charge ahead claiming what we want; what we feel we should have. All the tools we need to conquer anything are available to us.
Why do we allow other people's views and opinions of us matter so much? These are generally people who do not contribute positively to our lives at all. Yet, one negative comment from them and we're altering our habits and routines.
After a recent conversation with a friend, I realize that even he puts too much stock in my opinions and ideas. I have my life to live, he has his, and you.....reader.....have yours. I have learned to make decisions that I can live with, and I can sleep with. Decisions that cause me to question my admission to heaven when the time comes.....and decisions that I don't feel like I have to defend......my hang ups are my own......and my passes are my own.
Be blessed.....
"Before you talk about the splinter in your neighbor's eye, remove the plank from your own." - Somewhere in the book of Matthew I believe.......
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Let's talk about sex baby!
Where are the men who are not primarily concerned with sex?
Where are the men that value good conversation, fun and would prefer to get to know a female before they lay down with her?
More often than not, when describing a good date, or speaking highly about a man women (myself included) are overheard saying, "and he didn't even talk about sex," or "and he didn't even try to have sex with me." This is an epidemic of females of all ages.
Some of my male friends complain that they meet loose women, but I'm thinking that some of the women are loose because they think they have to sleep with a man to interest them. And of course, some of them are not necessarily loose, but are too discouraged to find a good man, or a man really worth their time. So in turn, they adapt the male way of thinking and begin to satisfy their carnal feelings as well. But, for a woman this is not enough, due to nature women require some form and level of care, and adulation. Man cannot live on bread alone, nor woman sex.
All parties will agree that when their is another connection at work, the physical is so much better, so why do we limit ourselves to meaningless sex? In this day and age, it is much more safe to have one partner, and with pornography so readily available anybody can perfect their skills to the professional level. So what is the thrill in multiple partners? Or the point of sex with somebody that you don't care about?
In my circle, I recently popularized the term, "embrace your 20's." And this double meaning phrase is officially used to combat all the pressure of being in serious relationships that so many people people who may not be having good luck in that department, or who are simply not ready for it feel. Instead of picking themselves apart, or searching high and low for that perfect person I encourage all to embrace their 20's. We only have them once. And hopefully we have tens of years left to get married and have children. And unofficially it is to excuse the whorish ways of many and give them an excuse.
The Bible teaches that a man is to marry one woman. And that man and woman are to have sex with each other only.......and after marriage. Not before. I am confident that most of my readers are Christian, or at least are familiar with Christian principles and teachings.....and on some level believe that pre-marital sex is wrong. So.....with that idea, perhaps we should limit some of that pre-marital sex to people we actually care about....or could see ourselves making it marital with.....
GOODNIGHT!
Nay.
Mc Donalds
Upon a recent meeting, I inquired of a certain gentleman's occupation. He told me that he worked in McDonalds. I believe he was shocked at my motivation to continue the conversation. Eventually he released that he is really a NYPD Officer. At which time I know he was shocked at the fact that I didn't seem impressed, nor did my conversation deviate.
As a contributing member of society I would much rather hear of able-bodied people working in fast food restaurants than collecting welfare. As a future mother, I would much rather hear of a young man working in McDonalds than selling drugs. As a woman I would rather encounter someone working in McDonalds, than an ex- or future convict. The job of a police officer, keeping peace in this city, is a necessary one and is integral to the running of the city. Police Officers have a greater responsibility to many more people than McDonalds staff members, but the truth of the matter is, somebody has got to work in McDonalds. Just as somebody has got to mop the floors of the Conde Naste building.
For our world to function everybody must play a role. For things to be significant, something has to be insignificant. But they all come together; the major and the minor to make the system work.
And something can be light on one scale, and heavy on another. In the grand societal scheme, a McDonalds job is very unimportant. But to a mother with hungry children who don't know what new clothes feel like, a job at McDonalds can mean the world. A 20 hour paycheck at minimum wage can mean the difference of a child going to bed hungry, or a full belly.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
More than you can handle
God will never give you more than you can handle
God doesn't want to see His children suffer. He doesn't want us to fall behind. Anything given to us has a place and a purpose. So saying and acting as though we cannot deal with what we have, I would assume, is indicative that God is wrong and we are right.
With more knowledge and a better idea of what is going on, it is safe to say that God has the bigger picture. And since we do not we need to take life in stride. Staying in prayer and surrendering daily to the Word and will of God is the only way. We have to have the relationship with Him not to ask, but to accurately receive instruction.
Lessons may not always be immediately clear, but rest assure there is always a reason.
Be blessed!
Nay.
God doesn't want to see His children suffer. He doesn't want us to fall behind. Anything given to us has a place and a purpose. So saying and acting as though we cannot deal with what we have, I would assume, is indicative that God is wrong and we are right.
With more knowledge and a better idea of what is going on, it is safe to say that God has the bigger picture. And since we do not we need to take life in stride. Staying in prayer and surrendering daily to the Word and will of God is the only way. We have to have the relationship with Him not to ask, but to accurately receive instruction.
Lessons may not always be immediately clear, but rest assure there is always a reason.
Be blessed!
Nay.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Another Universe
Here is the re post/reassembling....... This is as close to the original as I could get. I guess this would be the ruins..........
The answer is always the same
And it's because I love him
You can never understand
Because sometimes I don't
But of one thing I'm sure
And that's how I love him
He has unlocked a door to my heart
A door that led to a secret place
He propels me farther than I'd ever dreamed
Where I can be vulnerable but not disgraced
His heart cries out to mine
And naturally, I always answers
My soul has no secret from his
With him the truth is always easy
even when we fight
It's not about wrong or right
Just working it out and making it work
I know if I turn over I'll find him each and every night
I can always rest assure that he will come to me
to fulfill his wants and respond to his needs
Nobody else exists
The past doesn't matter
As he says, the telling of my eyes is the fortune of his future
So when you ask me why I smile
It's because I love him
And when you ask me why I cry, it's because he loves me.
He loved me from the start
and it wasn't always easy
through it all-even through the pain
and temptation-of memories and insecurity
We loved each other through life, and death
Through things of which we could never forgive another
But the special spark we share could never be calmed
Through good and bad we loved each other
Through gain and loss, we loved even harder
Through happy and sad we loved the hardest
Impenetrable, Unbreakable, Unrelenting
LOVE
In the face of adversity
I loved him
To the back of defeat
He loved me
And when it all seemed useless
and love didn't seem enough
In response we loved even more
And in response, love will never leave us.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Wasted Potential
I once met a person, and I felt comfortable around them; but as circumstances would have it, we never made an effort to be around each other much and almost fell out of contact. Somehow, however, as quickly as we almost lost each other forever we found each other for what seemed like would be forever.
Upon reconnection there was an instant connection felt by both of us. He once wrote to me that we shared a special bond, and he wished it would have began sooner. And I thought that it began right on time, but if it's so strong, and so worth it then we have the power to make it last.
What we shared was more than a friendship; and I always felt it would be an injustice to the chemistry to lessen its importance by labeling it such. I once believed that the timing was right and everything was set into place, but if in fact that was the case perhaps this thought wouldn't exist.
We had the ingredients for success. And there was a lot of potential; but energy never disappears, it is only redirected.
Life is a puzzle......of many pieces.....which are constantly changing. Pieces that fit today may not fit tomorrow. Let us put our puzzles together while the pieces fit!
Be blessed (sorry, I can't think of a scripture for this)
NAY
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Purpose
(I will speak more on this later.......but for now, here are my random thoughts)
Moderation and Purpose are two elements heavily on my mind today.
Quite often we develop new habits and fall into routines that serve not much of a purpose. Humans are creatures of habit and we become rigid in such habits. So much so that we can eventually lose the initial motivation; we lose sight of our purpose and do not practice moderation.
Recently, in the midst of a situation, I asked myself; "Why am I here?" And, for the first time in a long time I needed to honestly answer that question ........I needed to evaluate my purpose and consider my level of enthusiasm, and decide why I was moderate in a situation where I would generally be overzealous (it's important to know ourselves)..........
Until I am so moved to meet this subject again, I challenge you all to consider your purpose, moderation, and motivation.
Be blessed, Nay
Moderation and Purpose are two elements heavily on my mind today.
Quite often we develop new habits and fall into routines that serve not much of a purpose. Humans are creatures of habit and we become rigid in such habits. So much so that we can eventually lose the initial motivation; we lose sight of our purpose and do not practice moderation.
Recently, in the midst of a situation, I asked myself; "Why am I here?" And, for the first time in a long time I needed to honestly answer that question ........I needed to evaluate my purpose and consider my level of enthusiasm, and decide why I was moderate in a situation where I would generally be overzealous (it's important to know ourselves)..........
Until I am so moved to meet this subject again, I challenge you all to consider your purpose, moderation, and motivation.
Be blessed, Nay
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Friends create new worlds
Good Day Folks!
For those of you who received the morning text.....are already aware that I'm on a friendship kick today. And for the rest of you; here it is! I shared the words of Aristotle;
"What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies."
On my search for friendship quotes I also came across the words of Anais Nin:
"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it's only by this meeting that a new world is born."
There isn't much more for me to say on this except that I can attest to the fact that I share something special and unique with each of my friends; there is a common bond with all of them....today I am reflecting on those friendships. And am happy to have them.....and look forward to further growth and new additions to the fold.
Be blessed all!
"A friend loveth at all times."- Proverbs 17:17
For those of you who received the morning text.....are already aware that I'm on a friendship kick today. And for the rest of you; here it is! I shared the words of Aristotle;
"What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies."
On my search for friendship quotes I also came across the words of Anais Nin:
"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it's only by this meeting that a new world is born."
There isn't much more for me to say on this except that I can attest to the fact that I share something special and unique with each of my friends; there is a common bond with all of them....today I am reflecting on those friendships. And am happy to have them.....and look forward to further growth and new additions to the fold.
Be blessed all!
"A friend loveth at all times."- Proverbs 17:17
Monday, March 17, 2008
Wright is not wrong.
The Black Church as we know it today was born to us as the child of circumstance and necessity. Throughout the nearly 300 years that it has been in existence it has grown and evolved but still serves a common purpose. I respect the Black Church for its place in society, and I participate in and love what it has become. Today, I am totally disgusted at the way it is being viewed and scrutinized through the American-media magnifying glass. I am most angry at the fact that once again a minority group in America has made the most of what was given to them and those who created the situation will not condemn it. (Soon to be) First Lady Michelle Obama recently stated that she was proud of her country for the first time in her adult life. And today I am sad to report that my pride is in the toilet.
At a time when Black men were spoken to as boys, and women regarded as cattle the Black Church served as a place to give disrespected and displaced people a sense of purpose and feeling of belonging. After days of serving, toiling, and sheer disregard the same man who was called boy could stand in a pulpit as a leader and addressed by a title. Women were treated with respect and made to feel like more than animals.
Ironically, the very same Protestant religion that the Black Church embraced and followed as if it were Orthodox was not indigenous to Black people. The Bible which was used to justify slavery became a book of love and a plan for salvation. Slavery would soon be over and Moses born again. The Black Church, and its people will overcome. The Black Church and its people can rise to any occasion and make it work.
Through Slavery, Reconstruction, Industrial Revolution, World Wars, Women's Rights, Civil Rights', AIDS , and now on the cusp of this country realizing a Black man can become President the Black Church has played a pivotal role. The Black Church is a pillar in society; throughout these major eras in society the Black community has looked to its churches for opportunity, education, communication, uplifting and most of all Salvation.
In American society, Pastors are respected, and in the Black community/family, cousin-Pastor and cousin-Doctor are both respected; but cousin-Pastor is revered. (Or maybe that's just my family.) The Black Church and the Black family (traditionally) are similar in the Pastor is the Father, or the Head. Mama/Deacons can do everything the father can in it's absence, but it is believed, accepted (and Biblical) to have a Pastor or a Father/Husband at the head. Members may mumble but will not really challenge the Pastor; but will take everything to the Deacons who will bring things to his attention when necessary. The same way I would go to my mother to soften my father up but would NEVER oppositionally approach him. And all families have one cardinal rule; WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS HOUSE, STAYS IN THIS HOUSE!
So it is closest to the middle of crazy as I have ever seen that Pastor Jeremiah Wright is under the scrutiny that he is. It is asinine that the media is pulling apart his sermons and people are criticizing his leadership. If you are not a member of Trinity United Church of Christ then what is said there, and what goes on there is none of your business. Up until February 10, 2008 Pastor Wright faithfully served the Lord, and his dutifully served his congregation.
**thank you for reading thus far** and since you are still with me, let me take off my sweater and get down to business....Let's be real, let me be conversational....
Pastor Wright is under the magnifying glass because of his ties to Presidential-hopeful Barack Obama. The Pastor's words are misunderstood and publicly implicated for the purpose of discrediting Barack Obama. America, what kind of world are we living in when we are taking stands against Spiritual Leaders for the purpose of discrediting a mere man? Barack Obama does not have supernatural powers, he breathes oxygen, he drinks water, bleeds red blood and has 32 teeth just like the rest of us. How dare we attack Pastor Wright. Have we forgotten this man represents God?
The question of what attracted Senator Obama to Pastor Wright's church to begin with? And I continue to be baffled that this was even a question..... Why do people join churches? Because of God, Salvation through Jesus and being led by the Holy Spirit. The job of the leader of the Black church is not to just preach. It's not a Sunday morning 11am - 1pm (or so) job, and go home. It's not show up for Wednesday Bible and Friday prayer and go home. It is a 24 hours a day; 7 days a week; rain or shine, sleet, snow, wind or sand storm ON CALL position. The Pastor has to be there for sick, bereaved, to address issues in the community, deal with church business. When done right, it is proactive. It is not a job, it is a person; it is a life. The Black Church is not a place, it is a part of a lifestyle. It is a part of the Black-in-America lifestyle. Only fully understood by those who live the life.
I've never polled, but I'm sure that if 100 Black people who were not faithful church-goers were compared to 100 non-Blacks they could answer more questions about their respective churches correctly. As I am sure if those same 200 people (100 Black, 100 non-Black) were dropped in the middle of a Black Church, almost all of the Black people will be able to correctly identify the First Lady, Chairman of the Deacon Board, Mother Board and point out the Amen-Corner.... they will know the proper titles to address people and when getting ready, most of the women even if they have to will feel self-conscious about wearing pants and open-toe shoes. And at least one of the songs may sound vaguely familiar, perhaps they remember Mama or M'dear singing it while hanging sheets to dry when they were children down in the country. It is a Lifestyle.
For promoting Black business, instilling pride in his community; Reverend Wright has been called 'anti-American.' I am having a lot of trouble accepting how a Black person (descendant of slaves) can be anti-American. (Because I don't want to end up in Guantanamo Bay brought up on charges I want to clarify) I love this country, and I am happy to be free, I am happy to be in a place where I can pull my fully paid for '05 car into the driveway of the home my parents own; where I can type on my laptop; ever so often glimpsing my college graduation ring on my hand; diamonds reflecting the light from the 42" television as my fingers move across the keyboard criticizing the country in which I live. This great opportunity wouldn't be tolerated everywhere. And knowing that if I wasn't in this country I may not have the same opportunity and amenities. But then again, I might.....after all, if the powers that be in this country had it their way I might be in shackles somewhere picking cotton.
**We're still being real, so let's take it there**
There is a difference between American and Black America. If there weren't we wouldn't have to put the Black in front of Churches, Businesses, Schools, and, Neighborhoods (just to name a few.) White is implied, it is automatically assumed that establishments and organizations are White. White is American. Which is why if it is Black the specification must be made......But Black people didn't make it that way. They (we)found a way to survive by creating their own stuff. If Blacks couldn't eat and shop with Whites, what were expected to starve? I think not! White people made it very clear that Black people were viewed as less than humans. This was illustrated by the many signs which hang over entrances to establishments refusing DOGS and NIGGERS. Even Abraham Lincoln, who is held as one of the greatest men in America is quoted as saying "the Negro is not my equal in many respects---certainly not in color, perhaps not in moral or intellectual endowment."
Pastor Wright, a man who served in the United States Marine Corps, and Navy, earned and received a Bachelor's and Master's degree in English(Howard U), a Master's (U of Chicago) and Doctorate in Divinity (United Theological Seminary) and has received 8 honorary degrees from various institutions throughout the country is now deemed anti-American and racist. How is that possible? In a country that actually had laws in place to impede Black people from voting, reading, and marrying White people this man volunteered to protect it. And has given his life to preach God's word to its people.
Pastor Wright was born in 1941, he has memories of the 1950's, he was there for the Civil Rights Movement. His parents and grandparents ASSUREDLY shared with him stories of fear and separation worse than he could have experienced. So why wouldn't this man be supportive of his community? Why shouldn't he promote Black businesses and success? Should he forget about the hundreds of years of injustices because an act was signed? The same people who were against the Act are still around. Just as his grandmother sat up and shared her horrors, another boy born in 1941 of another persuasion heard from his grandmother why Black people are like animals. There is a disparity between Blacks and White's in America. And the more we ignore it, the larger it will grow. Perhaps we should recognize the differences and not fear the past. Let's not be ashamed, let's work to rectify.
Some of Pastor Wright's ideas may not be widely accepted, but in 1935 would anybody have believed that the American government was participating in what is now known as the Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment? Pastor Wright (although now retired) is a man; a man of a certain era, but most importantly a man of God.
I leave with you scripture: TOUCH NOT MINE ANOINTED, AND DO MY PROPHET NO HARM, Psalms 105:15.
As always I love you for reading, feel free to comment......Be blessed- Naomi Hopkins.
At a time when Black men were spoken to as boys, and women regarded as cattle the Black Church served as a place to give disrespected and displaced people a sense of purpose and feeling of belonging. After days of serving, toiling, and sheer disregard the same man who was called boy could stand in a pulpit as a leader and addressed by a title. Women were treated with respect and made to feel like more than animals.
Ironically, the very same Protestant religion that the Black Church embraced and followed as if it were Orthodox was not indigenous to Black people. The Bible which was used to justify slavery became a book of love and a plan for salvation. Slavery would soon be over and Moses born again. The Black Church, and its people will overcome. The Black Church and its people can rise to any occasion and make it work.
Through Slavery, Reconstruction, Industrial Revolution, World Wars, Women's Rights, Civil Rights', AIDS , and now on the cusp of this country realizing a Black man can become President the Black Church has played a pivotal role. The Black Church is a pillar in society; throughout these major eras in society the Black community has looked to its churches for opportunity, education, communication, uplifting and most of all Salvation.
In American society, Pastors are respected, and in the Black community/family, cousin-Pastor and cousin-Doctor are both respected; but cousin-Pastor is revered. (Or maybe that's just my family.) The Black Church and the Black family (traditionally) are similar in the Pastor is the Father, or the Head. Mama/Deacons can do everything the father can in it's absence, but it is believed, accepted (and Biblical) to have a Pastor or a Father/Husband at the head. Members may mumble but will not really challenge the Pastor; but will take everything to the Deacons who will bring things to his attention when necessary. The same way I would go to my mother to soften my father up but would NEVER oppositionally approach him. And all families have one cardinal rule; WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS HOUSE, STAYS IN THIS HOUSE!
So it is closest to the middle of crazy as I have ever seen that Pastor Jeremiah Wright is under the scrutiny that he is. It is asinine that the media is pulling apart his sermons and people are criticizing his leadership. If you are not a member of Trinity United Church of Christ then what is said there, and what goes on there is none of your business. Up until February 10, 2008 Pastor Wright faithfully served the Lord, and his dutifully served his congregation.
**thank you for reading thus far** and since you are still with me, let me take off my sweater and get down to business....Let's be real, let me be conversational....
Pastor Wright is under the magnifying glass because of his ties to Presidential-hopeful Barack Obama. The Pastor's words are misunderstood and publicly implicated for the purpose of discrediting Barack Obama. America, what kind of world are we living in when we are taking stands against Spiritual Leaders for the purpose of discrediting a mere man? Barack Obama does not have supernatural powers, he breathes oxygen, he drinks water, bleeds red blood and has 32 teeth just like the rest of us. How dare we attack Pastor Wright. Have we forgotten this man represents God?
The question of what attracted Senator Obama to Pastor Wright's church to begin with? And I continue to be baffled that this was even a question..... Why do people join churches? Because of God, Salvation through Jesus and being led by the Holy Spirit. The job of the leader of the Black church is not to just preach. It's not a Sunday morning 11am - 1pm (or so) job, and go home. It's not show up for Wednesday Bible and Friday prayer and go home. It is a 24 hours a day; 7 days a week; rain or shine, sleet, snow, wind or sand storm ON CALL position. The Pastor has to be there for sick, bereaved, to address issues in the community, deal with church business. When done right, it is proactive. It is not a job, it is a person; it is a life. The Black Church is not a place, it is a part of a lifestyle. It is a part of the Black-in-America lifestyle. Only fully understood by those who live the life.
I've never polled, but I'm sure that if 100 Black people who were not faithful church-goers were compared to 100 non-Blacks they could answer more questions about their respective churches correctly. As I am sure if those same 200 people (100 Black, 100 non-Black) were dropped in the middle of a Black Church, almost all of the Black people will be able to correctly identify the First Lady, Chairman of the Deacon Board, Mother Board and point out the Amen-Corner.... they will know the proper titles to address people and when getting ready, most of the women even if they have to will feel self-conscious about wearing pants and open-toe shoes. And at least one of the songs may sound vaguely familiar, perhaps they remember Mama or M'dear singing it while hanging sheets to dry when they were children down in the country. It is a Lifestyle.
For promoting Black business, instilling pride in his community; Reverend Wright has been called 'anti-American.' I am having a lot of trouble accepting how a Black person (descendant of slaves) can be anti-American. (Because I don't want to end up in Guantanamo Bay brought up on charges I want to clarify) I love this country, and I am happy to be free, I am happy to be in a place where I can pull my fully paid for '05 car into the driveway of the home my parents own; where I can type on my laptop; ever so often glimpsing my college graduation ring on my hand; diamonds reflecting the light from the 42" television as my fingers move across the keyboard criticizing the country in which I live. This great opportunity wouldn't be tolerated everywhere. And knowing that if I wasn't in this country I may not have the same opportunity and amenities. But then again, I might.....after all, if the powers that be in this country had it their way I might be in shackles somewhere picking cotton.
**We're still being real, so let's take it there**
There is a difference between American and Black America. If there weren't we wouldn't have to put the Black in front of Churches, Businesses, Schools, and, Neighborhoods (just to name a few.) White is implied, it is automatically assumed that establishments and organizations are White. White is American. Which is why if it is Black the specification must be made......But Black people didn't make it that way. They (we)found a way to survive by creating their own stuff. If Blacks couldn't eat and shop with Whites, what were expected to starve? I think not! White people made it very clear that Black people were viewed as less than humans. This was illustrated by the many signs which hang over entrances to establishments refusing DOGS and NIGGERS. Even Abraham Lincoln, who is held as one of the greatest men in America is quoted as saying "the Negro is not my equal in many respects---certainly not in color, perhaps not in moral or intellectual endowment."
Pastor Wright, a man who served in the United States Marine Corps, and Navy, earned and received a Bachelor's and Master's degree in English(Howard U), a Master's (U of Chicago) and Doctorate in Divinity (United Theological Seminary) and has received 8 honorary degrees from various institutions throughout the country is now deemed anti-American and racist. How is that possible? In a country that actually had laws in place to impede Black people from voting, reading, and marrying White people this man volunteered to protect it. And has given his life to preach God's word to its people.
Pastor Wright was born in 1941, he has memories of the 1950's, he was there for the Civil Rights Movement. His parents and grandparents ASSUREDLY shared with him stories of fear and separation worse than he could have experienced. So why wouldn't this man be supportive of his community? Why shouldn't he promote Black businesses and success? Should he forget about the hundreds of years of injustices because an act was signed? The same people who were against the Act are still around. Just as his grandmother sat up and shared her horrors, another boy born in 1941 of another persuasion heard from his grandmother why Black people are like animals. There is a disparity between Blacks and White's in America. And the more we ignore it, the larger it will grow. Perhaps we should recognize the differences and not fear the past. Let's not be ashamed, let's work to rectify.
Some of Pastor Wright's ideas may not be widely accepted, but in 1935 would anybody have believed that the American government was participating in what is now known as the Tuskegee Syphilis Experiment? Pastor Wright (although now retired) is a man; a man of a certain era, but most importantly a man of God.
I leave with you scripture: TOUCH NOT MINE ANOINTED, AND DO MY PROPHET NO HARM, Psalms 105:15.
As always I love you for reading, feel free to comment......Be blessed- Naomi Hopkins.
Only Thoughts Matter
"It doesn't matter who my father as, it matters who I remember he was." - Anne Sexton
The relationship of father to child is a special one. A child is impressionable and learns first from its parents. Generally children receive their instruction and experiences in the house, void from influence and ideas of the rest of the world. A parent can give a child any impression of them they want.
A person who does not pay their bills can convey responsibility. One who never commits can portray themselves as reliable. A child has nothing else to measure it to and will not, and cannot make decisions based on other people's experiences. They take the impressions they parents press upon them as the gospel truth and will not challenge it.
With parenthood one can reinvent themself, be a totally different person in the eyes of their child than they are to the face of the world. As dynamic as this coversion is. I believe Ms. Sexton has stepped into waters deeper than she charted.
Cooley's looking glass theory (my favorite sociological theory) states, "We are not who we think we are. We are not who others think we are. We are who others think we are." Basically, on some level everybody believes this. The accepted difference is that some people care what others think, and others don't. But I challenge that perhaps the uncaring section of the bunch only wants other to think they do not care.
For example; I like my clothes to match. However I could care less about socks. And when asked, most people I know respond that they really aren't concerned with the colour and matching aspect of people's socks (yours truly included.) However, somewhere along the way I came to believe that people would not view me as serious, or responsible. And if I was too irresponsible to match my socks who knew what else that could imply?
On a more serious note, for many reasons (too much to get into now) I want to marry a Black man. I am nowhere near that type of committment, nor has such a mate been seriously identified. And it is possible that I may fall in love and marry someone not of the African-American race, but if based on race alone my choice is Black. This preference is a personal one. And I am sure that there are many others who agree with me for more, less, or, the same reasons. However this is not a fact that I shout from rooftops because I believe that people would think I am racist. it doesn't matter that statistically people marry within their races much more than any other commonality. My main concern is that I do not want to be associated with racism.
As previously mentioned, on some level, everybody is aware that our actions are not held on their own merits; but on the interpretations of others. How often do we change up our approach and make it person specific to our subject because we believe that somebody will take it wrong.
With that, why do we get so upset when people are upset, or hurt by our words and actions unintentionally. Why is so hard for us to apologize to them when we realize we communicate effectively; when we realize we may have overstated or understated, or OD'd as some would say?
When it comes to legacies, we generally have an idea and act to make it a reality. We work towards a valued outcome. We should have a valued outcome in all we do. We should think and be goal and solution oriented. Not simply shooting from the cuff and possibly over-communicating a point. Because even in forgiveness there are words and actions that may not be forgotten.
Be blessed all!
Nay.
The relationship of father to child is a special one. A child is impressionable and learns first from its parents. Generally children receive their instruction and experiences in the house, void from influence and ideas of the rest of the world. A parent can give a child any impression of them they want.
A person who does not pay their bills can convey responsibility. One who never commits can portray themselves as reliable. A child has nothing else to measure it to and will not, and cannot make decisions based on other people's experiences. They take the impressions they parents press upon them as the gospel truth and will not challenge it.
With parenthood one can reinvent themself, be a totally different person in the eyes of their child than they are to the face of the world. As dynamic as this coversion is. I believe Ms. Sexton has stepped into waters deeper than she charted.
Cooley's looking glass theory (my favorite sociological theory) states, "We are not who we think we are. We are not who others think we are. We are who others think we are." Basically, on some level everybody believes this. The accepted difference is that some people care what others think, and others don't. But I challenge that perhaps the uncaring section of the bunch only wants other to think they do not care.
For example; I like my clothes to match. However I could care less about socks. And when asked, most people I know respond that they really aren't concerned with the colour and matching aspect of people's socks (yours truly included.) However, somewhere along the way I came to believe that people would not view me as serious, or responsible. And if I was too irresponsible to match my socks who knew what else that could imply?
On a more serious note, for many reasons (too much to get into now) I want to marry a Black man. I am nowhere near that type of committment, nor has such a mate been seriously identified. And it is possible that I may fall in love and marry someone not of the African-American race, but if based on race alone my choice is Black. This preference is a personal one. And I am sure that there are many others who agree with me for more, less, or, the same reasons. However this is not a fact that I shout from rooftops because I believe that people would think I am racist. it doesn't matter that statistically people marry within their races much more than any other commonality. My main concern is that I do not want to be associated with racism.
As previously mentioned, on some level, everybody is aware that our actions are not held on their own merits; but on the interpretations of others. How often do we change up our approach and make it person specific to our subject because we believe that somebody will take it wrong.
With that, why do we get so upset when people are upset, or hurt by our words and actions unintentionally. Why is so hard for us to apologize to them when we realize we communicate effectively; when we realize we may have overstated or understated, or OD'd as some would say?
When it comes to legacies, we generally have an idea and act to make it a reality. We work towards a valued outcome. We should have a valued outcome in all we do. We should think and be goal and solution oriented. Not simply shooting from the cuff and possibly over-communicating a point. Because even in forgiveness there are words and actions that may not be forgotten.
Be blessed all!
Nay.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Moderation and Purpose
(I will speak more on this later.......)
Moderation and Purpose are two very undervalued elements in society.
Quite often we develop new habits and fall into routines that serve not much of a purpose. Humans are creatures of habit and we become rigid in such habits. So much so that we can eventually lose the initial motivation; we lose sight of our purpose and do not practice moderation.
Recently, in the midst of a situation, I asked myself; "Why am I here?" And, for the first time in a long time I needed to honestly answer that question for myself........I needed to evaluate my purpose and consider moderation..........
Until I am so moved to meet this subject again, I challenge you all to consider your purpose, moderation, and motivation.
Be blessed,
Nay
Moderation and Purpose are two very undervalued elements in society.
Quite often we develop new habits and fall into routines that serve not much of a purpose. Humans are creatures of habit and we become rigid in such habits. So much so that we can eventually lose the initial motivation; we lose sight of our purpose and do not practice moderation.
Recently, in the midst of a situation, I asked myself; "Why am I here?" And, for the first time in a long time I needed to honestly answer that question for myself........I needed to evaluate my purpose and consider moderation..........
Until I am so moved to meet this subject again, I challenge you all to consider your purpose, moderation, and motivation.
Be blessed,
Nay
Can't recover from Clyde
I haven't posted in a while.......
My last post was up for about a day or two, but I deleted it. I got a few responses and as always I appreciate the feedback. Especially from anonymous. I couldn't decipher your identity from your post......but you know who you are. I thank you for your support and the positivity your post exuded.
My last post was very personal. It was a free verse poem, dedicated to my Clyde. I wrote it (long before I posted it) at a time where I thought if he and I could get through anything. After a few rough patches I took a break, I left town for a few days to get my thoughts together and when I decided to write about him I was filter free and got straight to the point.....
By the time I posted it I was still feeling positive but the newness wore off and although it was still personal I wanted to share with Clyde, and everybody. You guys know I think we should share our experiences.........
I experienced vulnerability which is a difficult feeling for me; and for the first time in my life I wasn't ashamed. I was completely honest about the intensity of the emotions I was feeling and how I was growing and evolving. I illustrated the parallels of our souls and strength of our bond. I smiled,because I loved him; I was happy because he loved me.
Clyde's response was extremely negative, and he questioned if what I felt was really love. He went on to communicate that truth is negative to love......it was very hurtful and unexpected. Also being a lyricist I would have expected Clyde to understand the honor of being the subject of my most personal positive piece of love to date.
Afterwards he explained that he was playing devil's advocate, but I couldn't understand how that was appropriate? The same Clyde which inspired me to be so true to my own feelings also incited me to delete my post. His negativity totally voided all the emotion that was put into it. My words were immediately left empty.......
Yesterday, Clyde asked me why I hadn't posted in a while. With everything that has happened to me this past month he probably thought it was odd that I hadn't written my way through it......but temporarily I couldn't place the purpose.....
For those who have been with me for a while know that I rarely write about happiness in love, and even rarer I share personal things, but with Clyde I changed it up a bit. And on two other occassions I shared my feelings with Clyde and he tells me that I've insulted him. I don't really know how my feelings or impression of someone else can hurt their feelings. If somebody told me my actions made them feel a certain way and that's not the way I made them feel I wouldn't be insulted I would ammend my actions........but it doesn't matter anymore because as Clyde said I have "said things that cannot be recovered from."
My last post was up for about a day or two, but I deleted it. I got a few responses and as always I appreciate the feedback. Especially from anonymous. I couldn't decipher your identity from your post......but you know who you are. I thank you for your support and the positivity your post exuded.
My last post was very personal. It was a free verse poem, dedicated to my Clyde. I wrote it (long before I posted it) at a time where I thought if he and I could get through anything. After a few rough patches I took a break, I left town for a few days to get my thoughts together and when I decided to write about him I was filter free and got straight to the point.....
By the time I posted it I was still feeling positive but the newness wore off and although it was still personal I wanted to share with Clyde, and everybody. You guys know I think we should share our experiences.........
I experienced vulnerability which is a difficult feeling for me; and for the first time in my life I wasn't ashamed. I was completely honest about the intensity of the emotions I was feeling and how I was growing and evolving. I illustrated the parallels of our souls and strength of our bond. I smiled,because I loved him; I was happy because he loved me.
Clyde's response was extremely negative, and he questioned if what I felt was really love. He went on to communicate that truth is negative to love......it was very hurtful and unexpected. Also being a lyricist I would have expected Clyde to understand the honor of being the subject of my most personal positive piece of love to date.
Afterwards he explained that he was playing devil's advocate, but I couldn't understand how that was appropriate? The same Clyde which inspired me to be so true to my own feelings also incited me to delete my post. His negativity totally voided all the emotion that was put into it. My words were immediately left empty.......
Yesterday, Clyde asked me why I hadn't posted in a while. With everything that has happened to me this past month he probably thought it was odd that I hadn't written my way through it......but temporarily I couldn't place the purpose.....
For those who have been with me for a while know that I rarely write about happiness in love, and even rarer I share personal things, but with Clyde I changed it up a bit. And on two other occassions I shared my feelings with Clyde and he tells me that I've insulted him. I don't really know how my feelings or impression of someone else can hurt their feelings. If somebody told me my actions made them feel a certain way and that's not the way I made them feel I wouldn't be insulted I would ammend my actions........but it doesn't matter anymore because as Clyde said I have "said things that cannot be recovered from."
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Same song
--This dropped into my soul after a heart to heart with a beautiful friend. And although other people's experiences motivate and inspire me quite often, I rarely do dedications, but this I dedicate to her strength....
SAME SONG
The lyrics may be different
But it’s the same old song.
The variance of words almost overpowered the tune
But I’ve heard this song many times before
Fast, slow, the remix, and the cover.
It may be the first time for you,
But for me it’s all too familiar.
And instead of music, it’s more like pain to my ears
So let me press pause before you reach the second verse
My heart’s recognition of the chorus hurts enough.
SAME SONG
The lyrics may be different
But it’s the same old song.
The variance of words almost overpowered the tune
But I’ve heard this song many times before
Fast, slow, the remix, and the cover.
It may be the first time for you,
But for me it’s all too familiar.
And instead of music, it’s more like pain to my ears
So let me press pause before you reach the second verse
My heart’s recognition of the chorus hurts enough.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjXyqcx-mYY
This is a music video created to Senator Barack Obama's YES WE CAN speech. It was produced by Will.i.am from the Black-eyed-peas.....and it's featuring John Legend. I hope you all watch it, and I hope it is as inspirational to you as it is to me. Realistically, everybody isn't a democrat and will not be participating in today's (SUPER 22) Democratic primaries. But if your state is having a primary and you are registered it is imperative that you VOTE!!! even if it's not for Senator Obama.
Barack Obama's presence is very important. Senator Obama was not raised in the best neighborhoods, his family did not send him to the best schools. He is truly one who did the absolute best with what was given to him and strived for excellence. He is not from a political or wealthy family; his rewards are the direct result of hard work. The success he has already achieved has not only made him an American icon, but has made him one of the most important people in Black America. He is an excellent candidate, he has a strong platform, there is no question that Senator Obama has what it takes to lead this country and actually make a change. However it must be said that in these few months, he has made great strides. I believe that he will inspire others, and give young Black Americans not only someone to look up to, but the idea that we really do have endless possibilities.
There is no question that our country favors some races and nationalities over others. And due to these inequalities and injustices certain paths are much harder for some than others. In 2008, many like to believe that certain lines are blurring and erasing slowly; and yes, It is true that my generation is more tolerant the than my grandmother's, however it is my grandmother's generation that is still making decision that I must live with. Senator Obama is representative of a new era, and of change.
Washington needs a change, and fresh ideas. It was said by one of Senator Obama's supporters, "the only way you get a new outcome is to change the recipe." And Senator Obama has a new recipe. This great nation was built on change for the masses. It was created because change was needed, and every major transformation since then has been in response to the changing society. From the abolition of slavery, to welfare reform, every modification in this country is a result of the present system no longer working. It is clear that our present system is not working. This country was built and survives on the back of working people. "If there were no poor people, rich people would have to eat their money." (Russian proverb) We have the power, and we must continue to evolve based on those principles. I believe that if we exercise our our civic duty and responsibility Senator Obama will be voted as Democratic nominee for President.
Barack Obama's campaign and effort is inciting more young people to vote and pay attention to politics than any other candidate. He is important to me because I believe that he is representing people who are afraid, or do not have faith in their in own voice. And he is sharing with us all the message..... YES WE CAN
As always, feel free to repost and forward this on to others
This is a music video created to Senator Barack Obama's YES WE CAN speech. It was produced by Will.i.am from the Black-eyed-peas.....and it's featuring John Legend. I hope you all watch it, and I hope it is as inspirational to you as it is to me. Realistically, everybody isn't a democrat and will not be participating in today's (SUPER 22) Democratic primaries. But if your state is having a primary and you are registered it is imperative that you VOTE!!! even if it's not for Senator Obama.
Barack Obama's presence is very important. Senator Obama was not raised in the best neighborhoods, his family did not send him to the best schools. He is truly one who did the absolute best with what was given to him and strived for excellence. He is not from a political or wealthy family; his rewards are the direct result of hard work. The success he has already achieved has not only made him an American icon, but has made him one of the most important people in Black America. He is an excellent candidate, he has a strong platform, there is no question that Senator Obama has what it takes to lead this country and actually make a change. However it must be said that in these few months, he has made great strides. I believe that he will inspire others, and give young Black Americans not only someone to look up to, but the idea that we really do have endless possibilities.
There is no question that our country favors some races and nationalities over others. And due to these inequalities and injustices certain paths are much harder for some than others. In 2008, many like to believe that certain lines are blurring and erasing slowly; and yes, It is true that my generation is more tolerant the than my grandmother's, however it is my grandmother's generation that is still making decision that I must live with. Senator Obama is representative of a new era, and of change.
Washington needs a change, and fresh ideas. It was said by one of Senator Obama's supporters, "the only way you get a new outcome is to change the recipe." And Senator Obama has a new recipe. This great nation was built on change for the masses. It was created because change was needed, and every major transformation since then has been in response to the changing society. From the abolition of slavery, to welfare reform, every modification in this country is a result of the present system no longer working. It is clear that our present system is not working. This country was built and survives on the back of working people. "If there were no poor people, rich people would have to eat their money." (Russian proverb) We have the power, and we must continue to evolve based on those principles. I believe that if we exercise our our civic duty and responsibility Senator Obama will be voted as Democratic nominee for President.
Barack Obama's campaign and effort is inciting more young people to vote and pay attention to politics than any other candidate. He is important to me because I believe that he is representing people who are afraid, or do not have faith in their in own voice. And he is sharing with us all the message..... YES WE CAN
As always, feel free to repost and forward this on to others
Monday, February 4, 2008
BARACK OBAMA!!!!!
We need to internalize this idea of excellence. Not many folks spend a lot of time trying to be excellent. Barack Obama
How many people actually strive for excellence? Everybody measures themselves; it is natural to the society in which we live. There are benchmarks and categories for everything. Clear definitions exist to what is appreciated, and what is not. People are constantly in competition for bigger houses, faster cars, better paying jobs, and savvier clothes.
All these things that people are in competition for are rarely of any substance which enhances a quality of life. Nor do they really promote happiness. There is a difference in wanting to better than another, and just wanting to be. And there is a major difference in wanting to be excellent.
One can be excellent in their community, on their job, at school, in their family, in their relationship. The desire to achieve excellence is a personal one. It does not look for compliments and encouragement. Senator Barack Obama has internalized the idea of excellence.
An ordinary man who never lost touch with reality and continued on a path of righteousness now seeks our support for the Democratic nomination for President of the USA. Senator Obama worked as a civil rights attorney to promote equality. He was not looking for thanks and kudos.
What impresses me the most about the Senator entered this race on his own terms. He didn’t look to Charlie Rangel, Andrew Young, Jesse Jackson, and the like to support him. Senator Obama moved full speed ahead at his own volition.
Many of the older Black politicians such as Maxine Waters, David Dinkins, and some of the abovementioned have given their support to Senator Hillary Clinton. And I am truly at a loss of understanding. I can understand such a pro-woman move from Maya Angelou. But if we are going to allow “girl power” then we should also understand “Black power.” However, Senator Obama is such a worthy candidate that he does not need to rely on his race to secure the Black or the Brown vote.
Senator Obama promotes change and he has been very honest thus far. He has not made unreal or outlandish promises. He gives outlines for all of his ideas and realistic time frames. Most of all, he hasn’t slandered his opponents; no matter how nasty they have become.
His positive and clean campaign has catapulted him up the polls thus far. But he still has a few more votes to secure. In the beginning, his Black support was slacking because many Blacks didn’t believe a Black man could become president and didn’t want to waste their vote. But his success had won those people over. His savoir appeal, youth and tenacity has won over the young people. His honest and supportive initiatives have won over the people ready for a change. And now he needs to win the votes of the undecided.
If you are not sure what to do, I urge you to vote for Senator Obama in Tuesday’s Democratic Primary Election. According to Hillary, she is prepared because she’s been in the white house already. When she was there last, how did it help you? Since she has been a New York Senator, how has it helped you? We already know what Hillary has to offer, so why not give Barack Obama, a man who strives for excellence a change?!
How many people actually strive for excellence? Everybody measures themselves; it is natural to the society in which we live. There are benchmarks and categories for everything. Clear definitions exist to what is appreciated, and what is not. People are constantly in competition for bigger houses, faster cars, better paying jobs, and savvier clothes.
All these things that people are in competition for are rarely of any substance which enhances a quality of life. Nor do they really promote happiness. There is a difference in wanting to better than another, and just wanting to be. And there is a major difference in wanting to be excellent.
One can be excellent in their community, on their job, at school, in their family, in their relationship. The desire to achieve excellence is a personal one. It does not look for compliments and encouragement. Senator Barack Obama has internalized the idea of excellence.
An ordinary man who never lost touch with reality and continued on a path of righteousness now seeks our support for the Democratic nomination for President of the USA. Senator Obama worked as a civil rights attorney to promote equality. He was not looking for thanks and kudos.
What impresses me the most about the Senator entered this race on his own terms. He didn’t look to Charlie Rangel, Andrew Young, Jesse Jackson, and the like to support him. Senator Obama moved full speed ahead at his own volition.
Many of the older Black politicians such as Maxine Waters, David Dinkins, and some of the abovementioned have given their support to Senator Hillary Clinton. And I am truly at a loss of understanding. I can understand such a pro-woman move from Maya Angelou. But if we are going to allow “girl power” then we should also understand “Black power.” However, Senator Obama is such a worthy candidate that he does not need to rely on his race to secure the Black or the Brown vote.
Senator Obama promotes change and he has been very honest thus far. He has not made unreal or outlandish promises. He gives outlines for all of his ideas and realistic time frames. Most of all, he hasn’t slandered his opponents; no matter how nasty they have become.
His positive and clean campaign has catapulted him up the polls thus far. But he still has a few more votes to secure. In the beginning, his Black support was slacking because many Blacks didn’t believe a Black man could become president and didn’t want to waste their vote. But his success had won those people over. His savoir appeal, youth and tenacity has won over the young people. His honest and supportive initiatives have won over the people ready for a change. And now he needs to win the votes of the undecided.
If you are not sure what to do, I urge you to vote for Senator Obama in Tuesday’s Democratic Primary Election. According to Hillary, she is prepared because she’s been in the white house already. When she was there last, how did it help you? Since she has been a New York Senator, how has it helped you? We already know what Hillary has to offer, so why not give Barack Obama, a man who strives for excellence a change?!
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Somewhere to turn, someone to talk to
This is a very special piece, very dear to my heart. And I want to share it because somebody needs to be told YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There will be times when we have to deal with things on our own. Times will arise where the best of friends, and even family will not be there. There will be times where you feel like there is nobody you can call, and there will be times where there really is nobody for you to call. But remember you are not the first, nor the last, and we must learn from every experience. To all my sisters, and to anybody who has ever felt alone; do not worry because when things get better they will be that much better. At your lowest point, you can always rise. And remember, the Lord thy God will never leave you. You always have somewhere to turn, and someone to talk to. You simply have to open your mouth.
Standing alone- in a room full of people…..
Nowhere to turn
No one to talk to
Laying alone when he’s right beside me
Afraid to turn
Because there’s no one to talk to
A careless body
An empty shell
That thinks he’s providing enough
But I know I have nowhere to turn
No one to talk to
A new experience has brought fear, pain, and the unknown to my doorstep
To upset and ashamed to call for the regular comfort
And now it’s too late.
Something that should have been all about me
Now has to take on the thoughts of everybody else
And I have nowhere to turn
No one to talk to
Little things, and simple gestures are not enough
But little things, and simple gestures mean so much
Especially when I have nowhere to turn
And no one to talk to
I am left in an unbalance
The one that I reject the most
Is the one that I need the most
But he’s left me with nowhere to turn
And no one to talk to
I’ve had drastic changes
To and fro, and it’s too much for me to handle alone
And I have nowhere to turn
And no one to talk to
If it's too much for him, that’s not my fault
I didn’t ask for this
All I want is somewhere to turn
And someone to talk to
Standing alone- in a room full of people…..
Nowhere to turn
No one to talk to
Laying alone when he’s right beside me
Afraid to turn
Because there’s no one to talk to
A careless body
An empty shell
That thinks he’s providing enough
But I know I have nowhere to turn
No one to talk to
A new experience has brought fear, pain, and the unknown to my doorstep
To upset and ashamed to call for the regular comfort
And now it’s too late.
Something that should have been all about me
Now has to take on the thoughts of everybody else
And I have nowhere to turn
No one to talk to
Little things, and simple gestures are not enough
But little things, and simple gestures mean so much
Especially when I have nowhere to turn
And no one to talk to
I am left in an unbalance
The one that I reject the most
Is the one that I need the most
But he’s left me with nowhere to turn
And no one to talk to
I’ve had drastic changes
To and fro, and it’s too much for me to handle alone
And I have nowhere to turn
And no one to talk to
If it's too much for him, that’s not my fault
I didn’t ask for this
All I want is somewhere to turn
And someone to talk to
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
JUMP
Confusion has got to be the most awful feeling. Confusion is most prevalent when you are torn between what you believe is right, and what you believe to be convenient. Or between what you believe is wrong and easy, or right and difficult. Or when both (or all) of your options have the potential to be a mess.
Choices are so difficult. Especially when something you really want is right in front of you but you are unsure if you are ready for it. Choices are more difficult when other people's lives are held in the balance. Choices are most difficult when you need the input of others to make the most informed choice.
The beetles said, "life it was happens in between your plans." And that quote is becoming more and more true everyday......we make plans for ourselves, and have ideas; yet things seem to move in a manner that we never would've predicted and we are left with ideas vs. reality.
Just what I want, right at my fingertips.
The far future potentially so very close
My deepest wishes have become visible
I can see my dreams coming to fruition
I can taste the sweet joy of life
As much as I want them I am not ready
As fast as I move I didn’t see this coming
But they are just beyond my reach
Dangling just off the edge of a cliff
I need to jump
But will I catch it and make it over
Or will I jump and fall- with a prayer my parachute will open
Should I just stand safely on the cliff?
I think I’m going to jump
With, or without my parachute……
At least I want to
Choices are so difficult. Especially when something you really want is right in front of you but you are unsure if you are ready for it. Choices are more difficult when other people's lives are held in the balance. Choices are most difficult when you need the input of others to make the most informed choice.
The beetles said, "life it was happens in between your plans." And that quote is becoming more and more true everyday......we make plans for ourselves, and have ideas; yet things seem to move in a manner that we never would've predicted and we are left with ideas vs. reality.
Just what I want, right at my fingertips.
The far future potentially so very close
My deepest wishes have become visible
I can see my dreams coming to fruition
I can taste the sweet joy of life
As much as I want them I am not ready
As fast as I move I didn’t see this coming
But they are just beyond my reach
Dangling just off the edge of a cliff
I need to jump
But will I catch it and make it over
Or will I jump and fall- with a prayer my parachute will open
Should I just stand safely on the cliff?
I think I’m going to jump
With, or without my parachute……
At least I want to
Friday, January 25, 2008
REAFFIRMATION
It’s weird how some people come into your life and you immediately know their purpose. And some make a place for themselves. But then others linger until they finally fall into place.
I’ve had the best fortune with those who linger, those who evolved from their original assumed position and have somehow become permanent fixtures. Those who I thought would be for but a season, but have proved to be worthy of a lifetime.
There are many I can call in time of need, few who have no limits, and one that has never judged.
__________________________________________________________________
He approached my hostile situation of
Disappointment and desperation
Dead ends and no options
Lonliness and urgency
“You’re beautiful” he began
I fell in love with you
It wasn’t your beauty, even though you’re gorgeous as hell
He had me thinking I’d put him under some sort of spell….
Of all I’ve known, my love for you is strongest
The most genuine—he compared
It’s not about touching you or sex, and he stared….
I do love laying with you and falling asleep with you beside me
He reassured
And I with you as well, I concurred…..
Your happiness is all I ever wanted
And I know I can’t be selfish he spoke
And at that moment my tears broke…..
You deserve to be happy
He said as he looked at me
So refreshing that he understood my sensitivity
No matter what lies ahead for you or for I
He gently gave
I’m always here to satisfy all you crave
I’m here for you
He kindly offered
Positivity he tried to conjure
His combat technique was
No disappointment, only encouragement
No definites, but endless possibilities
No abandonment, but a pledge of forever…..
“You are wonderful”, I ended
I’ve had the best fortune with those who linger, those who evolved from their original assumed position and have somehow become permanent fixtures. Those who I thought would be for but a season, but have proved to be worthy of a lifetime.
There are many I can call in time of need, few who have no limits, and one that has never judged.
__________________________________________________________________
He approached my hostile situation of
Disappointment and desperation
Dead ends and no options
Lonliness and urgency
“You’re beautiful” he began
I fell in love with you
It wasn’t your beauty, even though you’re gorgeous as hell
He had me thinking I’d put him under some sort of spell….
Of all I’ve known, my love for you is strongest
The most genuine—he compared
It’s not about touching you or sex, and he stared….
I do love laying with you and falling asleep with you beside me
He reassured
And I with you as well, I concurred…..
Your happiness is all I ever wanted
And I know I can’t be selfish he spoke
And at that moment my tears broke…..
You deserve to be happy
He said as he looked at me
So refreshing that he understood my sensitivity
No matter what lies ahead for you or for I
He gently gave
I’m always here to satisfy all you crave
I’m here for you
He kindly offered
Positivity he tried to conjure
His combat technique was
No disappointment, only encouragement
No definites, but endless possibilities
No abandonment, but a pledge of forever…..
“You are wonderful”, I ended
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Follow or not
30 minutes to a meeting regarding my future at my job. 30 minutes until I find out if I’m going to be fired, put on probation or if the misunderstanding will be cleared up. One would imagine I would handle this situation in a myriad of ways. But to know me deep in thought and writing is how I would be found….
I feel defeated. Over the past two years everytime I’ve had to work with this particular individual we have had problems. Over the past two years instead of dealing with me directly this individual (who is above me) runs to my boss with her exasperated stories. For the past two years my boss has listened and the problems have been resolved. Once again I was assigned to work with her and we are back in the same situation. Only this time I have absolutely no motivation to clear up the problem which I believe to be a misunderstanding. It’s really a shame that I am not completely sure exactly what the catalyst was this time.
Part of my numb feeling has to do with the fact that I prayed about leaving my job (among other things.) And God’s answer to me was to leave, and I didn’t listen so right now, like a good disobedient Christian, I believe I am being punished. And while in my head I believe that God will bless me even in the midst of the mess I’ve created I don’t feel as thought I’m in a position to ask.
A good friend’s mother e-mailed me a little message about angels. The theme of the message was ,”things are not always as they seem.” I think that is a wonderful aspect to take on my current situation and believe that God is in control and I will let him have his way. But I know that I can’t say God is in control while I am also trying to take control. It’s not something to be done in part, either I allow God to move or I continue to resist and inevitably mess it up. And I wonder even if my surrendering is simply giving up.
I compare my struggle to a lost driver using a GPS system. They follow the GPS until they think they know where they are going. Once things begin to look familiar they proceed to move on their own volition…..only to get lost again, and possibly blame it on the GPS…..either follow the GPS or don’t is what I say. You can’t half step it…..and I KNOW that I need to either go with God or not. I cannot half step it.
I feel defeated. Over the past two years everytime I’ve had to work with this particular individual we have had problems. Over the past two years instead of dealing with me directly this individual (who is above me) runs to my boss with her exasperated stories. For the past two years my boss has listened and the problems have been resolved. Once again I was assigned to work with her and we are back in the same situation. Only this time I have absolutely no motivation to clear up the problem which I believe to be a misunderstanding. It’s really a shame that I am not completely sure exactly what the catalyst was this time.
Part of my numb feeling has to do with the fact that I prayed about leaving my job (among other things.) And God’s answer to me was to leave, and I didn’t listen so right now, like a good disobedient Christian, I believe I am being punished. And while in my head I believe that God will bless me even in the midst of the mess I’ve created I don’t feel as thought I’m in a position to ask.
A good friend’s mother e-mailed me a little message about angels. The theme of the message was ,”things are not always as they seem.” I think that is a wonderful aspect to take on my current situation and believe that God is in control and I will let him have his way. But I know that I can’t say God is in control while I am also trying to take control. It’s not something to be done in part, either I allow God to move or I continue to resist and inevitably mess it up. And I wonder even if my surrendering is simply giving up.
I compare my struggle to a lost driver using a GPS system. They follow the GPS until they think they know where they are going. Once things begin to look familiar they proceed to move on their own volition…..only to get lost again, and possibly blame it on the GPS…..either follow the GPS or don’t is what I say. You can’t half step it…..and I KNOW that I need to either go with God or not. I cannot half step it.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Senator Obama.....
I have received numerous e-mails and heard multiple rumors surrounding Senator Barack Obama's religion, and status as a possible state terror...
All of the radical muslim business was started by somebody in Hilary Clinton's camp. The woman was fired immediately a few months back......but the rumors are still alive......let's think about this. If it were true it would have come out WAAAY back when Mitt Romney's ties to polygamy were publicized. And thanks to HBO shows like BIG LOVE, polygamy is a big deal in America right now.
Obama's mother was NOT AN ATHEIST, she simply just didn't practice religion. Similar to many of us Christians who don't go to church ;o). However his paternal father was an atheist, and HIS father was a Muslim farmer in Kenya....Obama's stepfather ocassionaly attended Muslim services while the family lived in Indonesia for 4 years. But I have not learned of any accurate record claiming him to be a muslim (but it's possible.) Once again....the same way some of us attend church services, for whatever reason, but are still not Christians. Obama did attend school while in Indonesia, as he should have since he was 6yrs old when he arrived and 10 when he returned to the states, but they were public schools.
I can only laugh at the claims that he is a terrorist cell. Do we really think that Congress would let him pass some sort of crazy terrorism support bill? We still have three branches of government....and the wonderful CIA.
But in this country where there is a separation of church and state, where prayers are not allowed in school and there are more Jewish than Christian holidays observed in NYC public schools.....does it really matter if you're not Christian?
All of the radical muslim business was started by somebody in Hilary Clinton's camp. The woman was fired immediately a few months back......but the rumors are still alive......let's think about this. If it were true it would have come out WAAAY back when Mitt Romney's ties to polygamy were publicized. And thanks to HBO shows like BIG LOVE, polygamy is a big deal in America right now.
Obama's mother was NOT AN ATHEIST, she simply just didn't practice religion. Similar to many of us Christians who don't go to church ;o). However his paternal father was an atheist, and HIS father was a Muslim farmer in Kenya....Obama's stepfather ocassionaly attended Muslim services while the family lived in Indonesia for 4 years. But I have not learned of any accurate record claiming him to be a muslim (but it's possible.) Once again....the same way some of us attend church services, for whatever reason, but are still not Christians. Obama did attend school while in Indonesia, as he should have since he was 6yrs old when he arrived and 10 when he returned to the states, but they were public schools.
I can only laugh at the claims that he is a terrorist cell. Do we really think that Congress would let him pass some sort of crazy terrorism support bill? We still have three branches of government....and the wonderful CIA.
But in this country where there is a separation of church and state, where prayers are not allowed in school and there are more Jewish than Christian holidays observed in NYC public schools.....does it really matter if you're not Christian?
Friday, January 11, 2008
love me or leave me alone
I never forgot how to love I just didn’t want to
I learned how to erect walls so great the Chinese would hate me
But I had to make sure nobody would penetrate me.
Seems so along ago now
Before you entered my life
Before you corrupted my wall
I was so happy in my loveless space
So bliss and unaware of what was about to take place
You watched and waited
Eventually you had a plan
You threw small pebbles that eventually made big holes
And now my wall looks like ancient greek ruins
No longer keeping anybody out, or anybody in
What was once a tall strong structure
Has become a useless mass of vulnerability
I cannot clear the space
I need a reminder, a memorial of my efforts
Clearing the space would indicate I want the love you teased me with
Clearing the space would indicate I want the love you teased me with
Clearing the space would indicate I want the love I worked so hard at avoiding
I’ve decided to repair the lasserations and rebuild my wall
It will not be memorial to your games
I can’t figure out why you would work so hard at tearing down a wall you didn’t want to go through
I learned how to erect walls so great the Chinese would hate me
But I had to make sure nobody would penetrate me.
Seems so along ago now
Before you entered my life
Before you corrupted my wall
I was so happy in my loveless space
So bliss and unaware of what was about to take place
You watched and waited
Eventually you had a plan
You threw small pebbles that eventually made big holes
And now my wall looks like ancient greek ruins
No longer keeping anybody out, or anybody in
What was once a tall strong structure
Has become a useless mass of vulnerability
I cannot clear the space
I need a reminder, a memorial of my efforts
Clearing the space would indicate I want the love you teased me with
Clearing the space would indicate I want the love you teased me with
Clearing the space would indicate I want the love I worked so hard at avoiding
I’ve decided to repair the lasserations and rebuild my wall
It will not be memorial to your games
I can’t figure out why you would work so hard at tearing down a wall you didn’t want to go through
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Tonight Beth reminded me of my favorite line from the Disney movie Cinderella. "A dream is a wish your heart makes; when your fast asleep. No matter how your heart is dreaming, if you keep on believing, a dream that you wish will come true."
My mother is the first to admit that she let me watch too much Disney as a kid. And perhaps in an effort to preserve my childhood I did become a bit jaded to the way the world really works. One week shy of my 24th birthday and I still look for happy endings. I still believe that people are mostly good and things will work out to the best...the best being in my favor, of course. If i really want something it come to fruition and people help other people. Folks should take responsibility for their own actions and of course learn from their mistakes.
I came to a point in my life that I became rather cynical. The abovementioned elements of life no longer seemed true. I began thinking that people were mostly selfish and negative. That nobody wanted to see other people succeed and there was no such thing as a happy ending. My sister expressed this best with, "we can't have happy endings if we can't have happy right nows." And even though I ended up bouncing back to my optimistic view on life; whenever I decided to give up or let something go I momentarily feel hoodwinked. I temporarily feel like the world is not the wonderful place I've made it out to be and I've got to toughen up and eat or be eaten......
Presently I'm giving up on a family member. I once had hope that this person would get their life together. Eventually, I joined the rest of the family in giving up. But a certain set of circumstances arose and developed a false sense of family where this individual was concerned. Said family member came across some difficulty and the family reached out. In turn said family member turned their back on the family once again.
I wonder why I was so upset, it was whispered that this outcome would be the one. It was wondered if this person would truly ever embrace the family. And it is now fact that this person does not appreciate us the way they should. I ask myself, is appreciation subjective? It's difficult for me to objectively answer such a question. I wonder if it is possible for this person to express appreciation in their own way. But when somebody not only goes out of their way; but goes through great lengths to help you. Shouldn't you then show your appreciation in a way that they would recognize?
My next question to myself was; do we do things for other people for appreciation and recognition? And unfortunately I realize that we do. At least I can honestly answer that sometimes I do. Or sometimes out of obligation. For example, how many times have we bought somebody a wonderful birthday, bridal or baby shower gift not because we wanted them to have the item but because we felt as though our relationship with them wouldcall for such extravagance. Or because we wanted to give the best gift.....I can honestly answer that I have valued cost higher than thought on numerous ocassions. But there are times that we do things for people because they cannot do for themselves. Times that we come to the aid of others because we hope that if we were in such a predicament that person, or anybody, would come to our aid. And of course, there are things we do out of general kindness.
I must say that the family pulled together to help this individual because they could not help themselves. At that moment it was a mix of familiar obligation and love. Nobody gave of their money or time begrudgingly, and it was all very willful. Yet, to not be acknowledged was a huge slap in the face. Especially to me.
I can honestly say that if it happens again I will not be part of the helping committee. I will not even help those who are helping. I will not go out of my way to help at all, but I will not go out of my way to make the situation worse either. I am severing all ties and relinquishing any responsibilities. There are too many people who expressively want and appreciate my assistance, love, and, support.
My last question is, if you can do something, and you don't do anything; is that making the situation worse? Maybe I'm looking for answers to keep me comfortable in my mess. But I invite any and all responses.....
thanks and goodnight,
Nay.
My mother is the first to admit that she let me watch too much Disney as a kid. And perhaps in an effort to preserve my childhood I did become a bit jaded to the way the world really works. One week shy of my 24th birthday and I still look for happy endings. I still believe that people are mostly good and things will work out to the best...the best being in my favor, of course. If i really want something it come to fruition and people help other people. Folks should take responsibility for their own actions and of course learn from their mistakes.
I came to a point in my life that I became rather cynical. The abovementioned elements of life no longer seemed true. I began thinking that people were mostly selfish and negative. That nobody wanted to see other people succeed and there was no such thing as a happy ending. My sister expressed this best with, "we can't have happy endings if we can't have happy right nows." And even though I ended up bouncing back to my optimistic view on life; whenever I decided to give up or let something go I momentarily feel hoodwinked. I temporarily feel like the world is not the wonderful place I've made it out to be and I've got to toughen up and eat or be eaten......
Presently I'm giving up on a family member. I once had hope that this person would get their life together. Eventually, I joined the rest of the family in giving up. But a certain set of circumstances arose and developed a false sense of family where this individual was concerned. Said family member came across some difficulty and the family reached out. In turn said family member turned their back on the family once again.
I wonder why I was so upset, it was whispered that this outcome would be the one. It was wondered if this person would truly ever embrace the family. And it is now fact that this person does not appreciate us the way they should. I ask myself, is appreciation subjective? It's difficult for me to objectively answer such a question. I wonder if it is possible for this person to express appreciation in their own way. But when somebody not only goes out of their way; but goes through great lengths to help you. Shouldn't you then show your appreciation in a way that they would recognize?
My next question to myself was; do we do things for other people for appreciation and recognition? And unfortunately I realize that we do. At least I can honestly answer that sometimes I do. Or sometimes out of obligation. For example, how many times have we bought somebody a wonderful birthday, bridal or baby shower gift not because we wanted them to have the item but because we felt as though our relationship with them wouldcall for such extravagance. Or because we wanted to give the best gift.....I can honestly answer that I have valued cost higher than thought on numerous ocassions. But there are times that we do things for people because they cannot do for themselves. Times that we come to the aid of others because we hope that if we were in such a predicament that person, or anybody, would come to our aid. And of course, there are things we do out of general kindness.
I must say that the family pulled together to help this individual because they could not help themselves. At that moment it was a mix of familiar obligation and love. Nobody gave of their money or time begrudgingly, and it was all very willful. Yet, to not be acknowledged was a huge slap in the face. Especially to me.
I can honestly say that if it happens again I will not be part of the helping committee. I will not even help those who are helping. I will not go out of my way to help at all, but I will not go out of my way to make the situation worse either. I am severing all ties and relinquishing any responsibilities. There are too many people who expressively want and appreciate my assistance, love, and, support.
My last question is, if you can do something, and you don't do anything; is that making the situation worse? Maybe I'm looking for answers to keep me comfortable in my mess. But I invite any and all responses.....
thanks and goodnight,
Nay.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
In memory of Lisa
Panic….
In McDonalds yesterday (I know I shouldn’t eat that crap) I saw a girl having an asthma attack. Most of the other customers were staring, and some even laughing. At first I thought she was choking, but then I realized she wasn’t eating, it seems as though she was standing on line before I walked in. I ran back to my car and got my inhaler, I shook it and helped her guide it to her mouth to pump.
After a few pumps and me talking to her she was okay. She didn’t have an inhaler, I left her mine it only had about 2 good pumps left (but she coulda kept it anyway….ill germs!) She hugged me and started crying. And of course lost her breath again. I’m sure to everybody else in the store she seemed crazy, but I felt her pain. The worst thing ever is having an asthma attack. Not being able to breathe is difficult. You’re sucking air into your body but it’s not staying. You can’t fill your lungs with air, and cannot catch your breath. It’s almost like that feeling you get when you inhale the fumes of Clorox or ammonia (we’ve all done that as foolish kids.) but it lasts much longer. Depending on the severity or cause of the attack with short calm deliberate breaths you may be able to catch your breath temporarily but that’s not a risk anybody should take…..
Most of us asthmatics have more than one inhaler; at home, in the car, at work and another random one in a bag under the bed somewhere. My primary inhaler was in purse which was stolen on New Years Eve. And of course I had an asthma attack. It was the second of the night. And knowing that I didn’t have my albuterol I panicked. Without the medicine to expand my constricting lungs it was all up to me to remain calm and get whatever oxygen I could get.
Thank goodness the people around me called 911. Left to myself I was a mess. EMT’s gave me a quick treatment and my breathing was back to normal. (even though the mix of steroids n alcohol made me high)
A few months prior to that, while shopping with Bunny and baby I had an asthma attack and used the last of the med in my inhaler. A few hours later I had another. Bunny got me to CVS quickly but unfortunately there weren’t any refills left on my prescription. Noticing my condition the pharmacist gave it to me anyway. After I’d caught my breath I paid the co-pay and he made me promise to get a prescription on Monday morning and bring it to him.
My biggest fear is and always has been not being in control. And not being able to breathe is the biggest loss of control ever. Not breathing, not getting oxygen will undoubtedly lead to death. People take asthma to be a joke, I have friends who laugh everytime I suck on my inhaler. I have family members who make fun of me.
A friend of the family, Lisa Leggon, passed from an asthma attack, it’s not something I play with. I take it very seriously and wish for it to get more coverage and attention. I was a child when it happened, and it was assumed I’d grown out of my asthma. And while I never think of it mid-attack, when it’s over I always think that I could have died. So right now, 3rd day of the year, and already 3 attacks had I have no voice and a sore throat. But I much rather this loss of voice and sore throat than loss of life.
In McDonalds yesterday (I know I shouldn’t eat that crap) I saw a girl having an asthma attack. Most of the other customers were staring, and some even laughing. At first I thought she was choking, but then I realized she wasn’t eating, it seems as though she was standing on line before I walked in. I ran back to my car and got my inhaler, I shook it and helped her guide it to her mouth to pump.
After a few pumps and me talking to her she was okay. She didn’t have an inhaler, I left her mine it only had about 2 good pumps left (but she coulda kept it anyway….ill germs!) She hugged me and started crying. And of course lost her breath again. I’m sure to everybody else in the store she seemed crazy, but I felt her pain. The worst thing ever is having an asthma attack. Not being able to breathe is difficult. You’re sucking air into your body but it’s not staying. You can’t fill your lungs with air, and cannot catch your breath. It’s almost like that feeling you get when you inhale the fumes of Clorox or ammonia (we’ve all done that as foolish kids.) but it lasts much longer. Depending on the severity or cause of the attack with short calm deliberate breaths you may be able to catch your breath temporarily but that’s not a risk anybody should take…..
Most of us asthmatics have more than one inhaler; at home, in the car, at work and another random one in a bag under the bed somewhere. My primary inhaler was in purse which was stolen on New Years Eve. And of course I had an asthma attack. It was the second of the night. And knowing that I didn’t have my albuterol I panicked. Without the medicine to expand my constricting lungs it was all up to me to remain calm and get whatever oxygen I could get.
Thank goodness the people around me called 911. Left to myself I was a mess. EMT’s gave me a quick treatment and my breathing was back to normal. (even though the mix of steroids n alcohol made me high)
A few months prior to that, while shopping with Bunny and baby I had an asthma attack and used the last of the med in my inhaler. A few hours later I had another. Bunny got me to CVS quickly but unfortunately there weren’t any refills left on my prescription. Noticing my condition the pharmacist gave it to me anyway. After I’d caught my breath I paid the co-pay and he made me promise to get a prescription on Monday morning and bring it to him.
My biggest fear is and always has been not being in control. And not being able to breathe is the biggest loss of control ever. Not breathing, not getting oxygen will undoubtedly lead to death. People take asthma to be a joke, I have friends who laugh everytime I suck on my inhaler. I have family members who make fun of me.
A friend of the family, Lisa Leggon, passed from an asthma attack, it’s not something I play with. I take it very seriously and wish for it to get more coverage and attention. I was a child when it happened, and it was assumed I’d grown out of my asthma. And while I never think of it mid-attack, when it’s over I always think that I could have died. So right now, 3rd day of the year, and already 3 attacks had I have no voice and a sore throat. But I much rather this loss of voice and sore throat than loss of life.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
I love you......
It wasn't until they began to get scared were the kids sent away from the bootleg family screening of I am Legend this afternoon. And for the rest of the movie they conveniently had to go into the kitchen or dining rooms for various items. Each time sneaking a glimpse at what was on the screen. A few times they were as blatant to stop and actually watch.
So, it was no surprise to anyone that boy cousin didn't want to go outside to go home tonight. However it promoted a problem because his mom had a 3-hour drive ahead of her. Boy cried and was consoled by mom, auntie, grandmother and cousins. Nothing helped. I began to share with him my own childhood fears of the dark. (i left out the part that tells i'm still afraid.) And that I had to grow up to set an example for the younger kids behind me. But then I remembered that it is extremely difficult to rationalize the irrational.
My next step was to delve into the same fantasy which created this mess. I shared with him a Hollywood keychain. I told him it was given to me when I was a kid so I wouldn't be afraid. And whenever he was afraid he should hold onto it and think of me. And whenever he thought of me I would be thinking of him as well. As they packed up the car to pull out aunt called back that she loves me. And boy followed the sentiment. Then yelled, "Should I give this back to you next time I see you?" And I told him to share it with the next little kid who is afraid. And after he thanked me, he yelled "I love you" again.
That I love you meant so much to me. It was the first time I'd heard such a sentiment with such meaning behind it. And it was the first time boy had ever told me I love you of his own volition. And I knew that his expression had nothing to do with me. He wasn't trying to end an argument, he wasn't trying to make me feel better. He honestly felt love for me at that moment and recognition that I came to his aid. I returned his sentiment with the same fullness.
Usually I long for the return of the silence when the kids leave. But tonight I am lonely, I miss his running. And I want him to be okay. I want him to sleep here and wake up feeling happy and safe. I want him to know that he can always look to the family for security and solace. I want him to know that he can always come to me, to us. I love boy too.
So, it was no surprise to anyone that boy cousin didn't want to go outside to go home tonight. However it promoted a problem because his mom had a 3-hour drive ahead of her. Boy cried and was consoled by mom, auntie, grandmother and cousins. Nothing helped. I began to share with him my own childhood fears of the dark. (i left out the part that tells i'm still afraid.) And that I had to grow up to set an example for the younger kids behind me. But then I remembered that it is extremely difficult to rationalize the irrational.
My next step was to delve into the same fantasy which created this mess. I shared with him a Hollywood keychain. I told him it was given to me when I was a kid so I wouldn't be afraid. And whenever he was afraid he should hold onto it and think of me. And whenever he thought of me I would be thinking of him as well. As they packed up the car to pull out aunt called back that she loves me. And boy followed the sentiment. Then yelled, "Should I give this back to you next time I see you?" And I told him to share it with the next little kid who is afraid. And after he thanked me, he yelled "I love you" again.
That I love you meant so much to me. It was the first time I'd heard such a sentiment with such meaning behind it. And it was the first time boy had ever told me I love you of his own volition. And I knew that his expression had nothing to do with me. He wasn't trying to end an argument, he wasn't trying to make me feel better. He honestly felt love for me at that moment and recognition that I came to his aid. I returned his sentiment with the same fullness.
Usually I long for the return of the silence when the kids leave. But tonight I am lonely, I miss his running. And I want him to be okay. I want him to sleep here and wake up feeling happy and safe. I want him to know that he can always look to the family for security and solace. I want him to know that he can always come to me, to us. I love boy too.
the morning after
Approximately 7 hours after my original though space....in a more humble calm state of mind my fingers tapped out the following.
It's amazing how a few hours can change an entire situation. For therapeutic reasons I jumped on my computer as soon as I walked through the door lastnite. High from a steriod treatment (for my asthma) I couldn't sleep. I napped somewhere between 9 and 10am, but was back in full effect by 11.....and I've revisited pieces lastnite quite frequently. And in its entirety while recanting to my mom......
Now that I'm calm, and objective I realize I would do it all over again if I could, I would change a heck of a lot, especially lastnite. No need for jumbled details now, but those details didn't need to come into existence. I put myself in the shoes of all involved parties and for the first time saw the plight of my co-main character. And I wish I'd seen it earlier and handled it differently for now it's seemingly too late. But I am ready to admit that my co-star cared.....
I have matured, I apologized not to make myself feel better, but to make another person feel better. I was sincerely sorry for my behavior and a escalated repercussions. The embarassment was a completely different situation. I honestly wanted to make sure that other people were okay. I wasn't as concerned for my image as I was for disrupting other people's lives. I am proud of my growth.
I have figured out my lesson, and it's to not be so stubborn. My stubborness almost cost me my life. My stubborness landed me behind the wheel of my car while intoxicated. But the worst part of it is that I knew I shouldn't have been driving. I should have stayed put for my designated. But my stubborness and pride got the best of me. And in the end a mountain was formed of a molehill. Ultimately, several relationships have severed and a certain possible future is now the past. And I am sorry, but at least I've learned a lesson in humility. And when the time comes, I can exercise such.
It's amazing how a few hours can change an entire situation. For therapeutic reasons I jumped on my computer as soon as I walked through the door lastnite. High from a steriod treatment (for my asthma) I couldn't sleep. I napped somewhere between 9 and 10am, but was back in full effect by 11.....and I've revisited pieces lastnite quite frequently. And in its entirety while recanting to my mom......
Now that I'm calm, and objective I realize I would do it all over again if I could, I would change a heck of a lot, especially lastnite. No need for jumbled details now, but those details didn't need to come into existence. I put myself in the shoes of all involved parties and for the first time saw the plight of my co-main character. And I wish I'd seen it earlier and handled it differently for now it's seemingly too late. But I am ready to admit that my co-star cared.....
I have matured, I apologized not to make myself feel better, but to make another person feel better. I was sincerely sorry for my behavior and a escalated repercussions. The embarassment was a completely different situation. I honestly wanted to make sure that other people were okay. I wasn't as concerned for my image as I was for disrupting other people's lives. I am proud of my growth.
I have figured out my lesson, and it's to not be so stubborn. My stubborness almost cost me my life. My stubborness landed me behind the wheel of my car while intoxicated. But the worst part of it is that I knew I shouldn't have been driving. I should have stayed put for my designated. But my stubborness and pride got the best of me. And in the end a mountain was formed of a molehill. Ultimately, several relationships have severed and a certain possible future is now the past. And I am sorry, but at least I've learned a lesson in humility. And when the time comes, I can exercise such.
New Year, new pain
New Year, new pain......
Current mood: tested
Category: Romance and Relationships
I wrote this at 7:00am on Jan 1, 2007. I'd just walked in the house from what was supposed to be a wonderful new years eve celebration......I posted it on myspace immediately......for therapy.....by the next morning my mind had changed......see the next post.
As the sun rises over the horizon for the first time this year, it also rises on my first pain of the year, my first and hopefully last heartbreak of the year. It's still fresh, and I'll share the burden with all who will read in hopes that it will lighten the load..... The craziest part of it all is that I'm not exactly sure how I feel. It was an emotional day for me, closing an emotional year that I was looking forward to ending and now I'm not so sure the next one will be anything but a reprise. I'm disappointed in myself for pretending to have control over a situation of which I had none. I'm mad at myself for being in a situation to which I had no control. I'm disappointed in him for taking it to such extreme levels, I'm mad at him for lying for so long, but even more mad at myself for accepting them. It was so amazing to find somebody who was so much like me I could pick up on such small things. It was cool to find somebody who had similar views and goals. I could definitely say we clicked immediately. And we both wished we'd met so much earlier. Which is even more amazing that now I doubt we will ever speak again.... To go back in time, I wouldn't change a thing, not even tonight, because without it I wouldn't have been able to get the strength to put an end to something that should've never started. Without it, I wouldn't have seen what little respect and regard was had for my safety and wellbeing. People get angry, and people shout but you don't walk way from, or send away people that you care about. People are selfish, but you don't gamble with the feelings of those you love. You don't toy with the emotions of somebody you're attached to. More importantly, if you say there's nobody else, then there shouldn't be anybody else. And it should be felt. I'm not sure what the bottom line is, nor what the lesson was behind it all. I guess I learned again that nobody cares about me but me...... Goodnight.
Current mood: tested
Category: Romance and Relationships
I wrote this at 7:00am on Jan 1, 2007. I'd just walked in the house from what was supposed to be a wonderful new years eve celebration......I posted it on myspace immediately......for therapy.....by the next morning my mind had changed......see the next post.
As the sun rises over the horizon for the first time this year, it also rises on my first pain of the year, my first and hopefully last heartbreak of the year. It's still fresh, and I'll share the burden with all who will read in hopes that it will lighten the load..... The craziest part of it all is that I'm not exactly sure how I feel. It was an emotional day for me, closing an emotional year that I was looking forward to ending and now I'm not so sure the next one will be anything but a reprise. I'm disappointed in myself for pretending to have control over a situation of which I had none. I'm mad at myself for being in a situation to which I had no control. I'm disappointed in him for taking it to such extreme levels, I'm mad at him for lying for so long, but even more mad at myself for accepting them. It was so amazing to find somebody who was so much like me I could pick up on such small things. It was cool to find somebody who had similar views and goals. I could definitely say we clicked immediately. And we both wished we'd met so much earlier. Which is even more amazing that now I doubt we will ever speak again.... To go back in time, I wouldn't change a thing, not even tonight, because without it I wouldn't have been able to get the strength to put an end to something that should've never started. Without it, I wouldn't have seen what little respect and regard was had for my safety and wellbeing. People get angry, and people shout but you don't walk way from, or send away people that you care about. People are selfish, but you don't gamble with the feelings of those you love. You don't toy with the emotions of somebody you're attached to. More importantly, if you say there's nobody else, then there shouldn't be anybody else. And it should be felt. I'm not sure what the bottom line is, nor what the lesson was behind it all. I guess I learned again that nobody cares about me but me...... Goodnight.
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