Tonight Beth reminded me of my favorite line from the Disney movie Cinderella. "A dream is a wish your heart makes; when your fast asleep. No matter how your heart is dreaming, if you keep on believing, a dream that you wish will come true."

My mother is the first to admit that she let me watch too much Disney as a kid. And perhaps in an effort to preserve my childhood I did become a bit jaded to the way the world really works. One week shy of my 24th birthday and I still look for happy endings. I still believe that people are mostly good and things will work out to the best...the best being in my favor, of course. If i really want something it come to fruition and people help other people. Folks should take responsibility for their own actions and of course learn from their mistakes.

I came to a point in my life that I became rather cynical. The abovementioned elements of life no longer seemed true. I began thinking that people were mostly selfish and negative. That nobody wanted to see other people succeed and there was no such thing as a happy ending. My sister expressed this best with, "we can't have happy endings if we can't have happy right nows." And even though I ended up bouncing back to my optimistic view on life; whenever I decided to give up or let something go I momentarily feel hoodwinked. I temporarily feel like the world is not the wonderful place I've made it out to be and I've got to toughen up and eat or be eaten......

Presently I'm giving up on a family member. I once had hope that this person would get their life together. Eventually, I joined the rest of the family in giving up. But a certain set of circumstances arose and developed a false sense of family where this individual was concerned. Said family member came across some difficulty and the family reached out. In turn said family member turned their back on the family once again.

I wonder why I was so upset, it was whispered that this outcome would be the one. It was wondered if this person would truly ever embrace the family. And it is now fact that this person does not appreciate us the way they should. I ask myself, is appreciation subjective? It's difficult for me to objectively answer such a question. I wonder if it is possible for this person to express appreciation in their own way. But when somebody not only goes out of their way; but goes through great lengths to help you. Shouldn't you then show your appreciation in a way that they would recognize?

My next question to myself was; do we do things for other people for appreciation and recognition? And unfortunately I realize that we do. At least I can honestly answer that sometimes I do. Or sometimes out of obligation. For example, how many times have we bought somebody a wonderful birthday, bridal or baby shower gift not because we wanted them to have the item but because we felt as though our relationship with them wouldcall for such extravagance. Or because we wanted to give the best gift.....I can honestly answer that I have valued cost higher than thought on numerous ocassions. But there are times that we do things for people because they cannot do for themselves. Times that we come to the aid of others because we hope that if we were in such a predicament that person, or anybody, would come to our aid. And of course, there are things we do out of general kindness.

I must say that the family pulled together to help this individual because they could not help themselves. At that moment it was a mix of familiar obligation and love. Nobody gave of their money or time begrudgingly, and it was all very willful. Yet, to not be acknowledged was a huge slap in the face. Especially to me.

I can honestly say that if it happens again I will not be part of the helping committee. I will not even help those who are helping. I will not go out of my way to help at all, but I will not go out of my way to make the situation worse either. I am severing all ties and relinquishing any responsibilities. There are too many people who expressively want and appreciate my assistance, love, and, support.

My last question is, if you can do something, and you don't do anything; is that making the situation worse? Maybe I'm looking for answers to keep me comfortable in my mess. But I invite any and all responses.....

thanks and goodnight,
Nay.