JUMP

Confusion has got to be the most awful feeling. Confusion is most prevalent when you are torn between what you believe is right, and what you believe to be convenient. Or between what you believe is wrong and easy, or right and difficult. Or when both (or all) of your options have the potential to be a mess.

Choices are so difficult. Especially when something you really want is right in front of you but you are unsure if you are ready for it. Choices are more difficult when other people's lives are held in the balance. Choices are most difficult when you need the input of others to make the most informed choice.

The beetles said, "life it was happens in between your plans." And that quote is becoming more and more true everyday......we make plans for ourselves, and have ideas; yet things seem to move in a manner that we never would've predicted and we are left with ideas vs. reality.


Just what I want, right at my fingertips.
The far future potentially so very close
My deepest wishes have become visible
I can see my dreams coming to fruition
I can taste the sweet joy of life

As much as I want them I am not ready
As fast as I move I didn’t see this coming
But they are just beyond my reach
Dangling just off the edge of a cliff
I need to jump

But will I catch it and make it over
Or will I jump and fall- with a prayer my parachute will open
Should I just stand safely on the cliff?

I think I’m going to jump
With, or without my parachute……
At least I want to

REAFFIRMATION

It’s weird how some people come into your life and you immediately know their purpose. And some make a place for themselves. But then others linger until they finally fall into place.

I’ve had the best fortune with those who linger, those who evolved from their original assumed position and have somehow become permanent fixtures. Those who I thought would be for but a season, but have proved to be worthy of a lifetime.

There are many I can call in time of need, few who have no limits, and one that has never judged.
__________________________________________________________________

He approached my hostile situation of

Disappointment and desperation
Dead ends and no options
Lonliness and urgency

“You’re beautiful” he began

I fell in love with you
It wasn’t your beauty, even though you’re gorgeous as hell
He had me thinking I’d put him under some sort of spell….

Of all I’ve known, my love for you is strongest
The most genuine—he compared
It’s not about touching you or sex, and he stared….

I do love laying with you and falling asleep with you beside me
He reassured
And I with you as well, I concurred…..

Your happiness is all I ever wanted
And I know I can’t be selfish he spoke
And at that moment my tears broke…..

You deserve to be happy
He said as he looked at me
So refreshing that he understood my sensitivity

No matter what lies ahead for you or for I
He gently gave
I’m always here to satisfy all you crave

I’m here for you
He kindly offered
Positivity he tried to conjure

His combat technique was

No disappointment, only encouragement
No definites, but endless possibilities
No abandonment, but a pledge of forever…..

“You are wonderful”, I ended

Follow or not

30 minutes to a meeting regarding my future at my job. 30 minutes until I find out if I’m going to be fired, put on probation or if the misunderstanding will be cleared up. One would imagine I would handle this situation in a myriad of ways. But to know me deep in thought and writing is how I would be found….

I feel defeated. Over the past two years everytime I’ve had to work with this particular individual we have had problems. Over the past two years instead of dealing with me directly this individual (who is above me) runs to my boss with her exasperated stories. For the past two years my boss has listened and the problems have been resolved. Once again I was assigned to work with her and we are back in the same situation. Only this time I have absolutely no motivation to clear up the problem which I believe to be a misunderstanding. It’s really a shame that I am not completely sure exactly what the catalyst was this time.

Part of my numb feeling has to do with the fact that I prayed about leaving my job (among other things.) And God’s answer to me was to leave, and I didn’t listen so right now, like a good disobedient Christian, I believe I am being punished. And while in my head I believe that God will bless me even in the midst of the mess I’ve created I don’t feel as thought I’m in a position to ask.

A good friend’s mother e-mailed me a little message about angels. The theme of the message was ,”things are not always as they seem.” I think that is a wonderful aspect to take on my current situation and believe that God is in control and I will let him have his way. But I know that I can’t say God is in control while I am also trying to take control. It’s not something to be done in part, either I allow God to move or I continue to resist and inevitably mess it up. And I wonder even if my surrendering is simply giving up.

I compare my struggle to a lost driver using a GPS system. They follow the GPS until they think they know where they are going. Once things begin to look familiar they proceed to move on their own volition…..only to get lost again, and possibly blame it on the GPS…..either follow the GPS or don’t is what I say. You can’t half step it…..and I KNOW that I need to either go with God or not. I cannot half step it.

Senator Obama.....

I have received numerous e-mails and heard multiple rumors surrounding Senator Barack Obama's religion, and status as a possible state terror...

All of the radical muslim business was started by somebody in Hilary Clinton's camp. The woman was fired immediately a few months back......but the rumors are still alive......let's think about this. If it were true it would have come out WAAAY back when Mitt Romney's ties to polygamy were publicized. And thanks to HBO shows like BIG LOVE, polygamy is a big deal in America right now.

Obama's mother was NOT AN ATHEIST, she simply just didn't practice religion. Similar to many of us Christians who don't go to church ;o). However his paternal father was an atheist, and HIS father was a Muslim farmer in Kenya....Obama's stepfather ocassionaly attended Muslim services while the family lived in Indonesia for 4 years. But I have not learned of any accurate record claiming him to be a muslim (but it's possible.) Once again....the same way some of us attend church services, for whatever reason, but are still not Christians. Obama did attend school while in Indonesia, as he should have since he was 6yrs old when he arrived and 10 when he returned to the states, but they were public schools.

I can only laugh at the claims that he is a terrorist cell. Do we really think that Congress would let him pass some sort of crazy terrorism support bill? We still have three branches of government....and the wonderful CIA.

But in this country where there is a separation of church and state, where prayers are not allowed in school and there are more Jewish than Christian holidays observed in NYC public schools.....does it really matter if you're not Christian?

love me or leave me alone

I never forgot how to love I just didn’t want to
I learned how to erect walls so great the Chinese would hate me
But I had to make sure nobody would penetrate me.

Seems so along ago now
Before you entered my life
Before you corrupted my wall
I was so happy in my loveless space
So bliss and unaware of what was about to take place

You watched and waited
Eventually you had a plan
You threw small pebbles that eventually made big holes
And now my wall looks like ancient greek ruins
No longer keeping anybody out, or anybody in
What was once a tall strong structure
Has become a useless mass of vulnerability

I cannot clear the space
I need a reminder, a memorial of my efforts
Clearing the space would indicate I want the love you teased me with
Clearing the space would indicate I want the love you teased me with
Clearing the space would indicate I want the love I worked so hard at avoiding

I’ve decided to repair the lasserations and rebuild my wall
It will not be memorial to your games
I can’t figure out why you would work so hard at tearing down a wall you didn’t want to go through

Tonight Beth reminded me of my favorite line from the Disney movie Cinderella. "A dream is a wish your heart makes; when your fast asleep. No matter how your heart is dreaming, if you keep on believing, a dream that you wish will come true."

My mother is the first to admit that she let me watch too much Disney as a kid. And perhaps in an effort to preserve my childhood I did become a bit jaded to the way the world really works. One week shy of my 24th birthday and I still look for happy endings. I still believe that people are mostly good and things will work out to the best...the best being in my favor, of course. If i really want something it come to fruition and people help other people. Folks should take responsibility for their own actions and of course learn from their mistakes.

I came to a point in my life that I became rather cynical. The abovementioned elements of life no longer seemed true. I began thinking that people were mostly selfish and negative. That nobody wanted to see other people succeed and there was no such thing as a happy ending. My sister expressed this best with, "we can't have happy endings if we can't have happy right nows." And even though I ended up bouncing back to my optimistic view on life; whenever I decided to give up or let something go I momentarily feel hoodwinked. I temporarily feel like the world is not the wonderful place I've made it out to be and I've got to toughen up and eat or be eaten......

Presently I'm giving up on a family member. I once had hope that this person would get their life together. Eventually, I joined the rest of the family in giving up. But a certain set of circumstances arose and developed a false sense of family where this individual was concerned. Said family member came across some difficulty and the family reached out. In turn said family member turned their back on the family once again.

I wonder why I was so upset, it was whispered that this outcome would be the one. It was wondered if this person would truly ever embrace the family. And it is now fact that this person does not appreciate us the way they should. I ask myself, is appreciation subjective? It's difficult for me to objectively answer such a question. I wonder if it is possible for this person to express appreciation in their own way. But when somebody not only goes out of their way; but goes through great lengths to help you. Shouldn't you then show your appreciation in a way that they would recognize?

My next question to myself was; do we do things for other people for appreciation and recognition? And unfortunately I realize that we do. At least I can honestly answer that sometimes I do. Or sometimes out of obligation. For example, how many times have we bought somebody a wonderful birthday, bridal or baby shower gift not because we wanted them to have the item but because we felt as though our relationship with them wouldcall for such extravagance. Or because we wanted to give the best gift.....I can honestly answer that I have valued cost higher than thought on numerous ocassions. But there are times that we do things for people because they cannot do for themselves. Times that we come to the aid of others because we hope that if we were in such a predicament that person, or anybody, would come to our aid. And of course, there are things we do out of general kindness.

I must say that the family pulled together to help this individual because they could not help themselves. At that moment it was a mix of familiar obligation and love. Nobody gave of their money or time begrudgingly, and it was all very willful. Yet, to not be acknowledged was a huge slap in the face. Especially to me.

I can honestly say that if it happens again I will not be part of the helping committee. I will not even help those who are helping. I will not go out of my way to help at all, but I will not go out of my way to make the situation worse either. I am severing all ties and relinquishing any responsibilities. There are too many people who expressively want and appreciate my assistance, love, and, support.

My last question is, if you can do something, and you don't do anything; is that making the situation worse? Maybe I'm looking for answers to keep me comfortable in my mess. But I invite any and all responses.....

thanks and goodnight,
Nay.

In memory of Lisa

Panic….


In McDonalds yesterday (I know I shouldn’t eat that crap) I saw a girl having an asthma attack. Most of the other customers were staring, and some even laughing. At first I thought she was choking, but then I realized she wasn’t eating, it seems as though she was standing on line before I walked in. I ran back to my car and got my inhaler, I shook it and helped her guide it to her mouth to pump.


After a few pumps and me talking to her she was okay. She didn’t have an inhaler, I left her mine it only had about 2 good pumps left (but she coulda kept it anyway….ill germs!) She hugged me and started crying. And of course lost her breath again. I’m sure to everybody else in the store she seemed crazy, but I felt her pain. The worst thing ever is having an asthma attack. Not being able to breathe is difficult. You’re sucking air into your body but it’s not staying. You can’t fill your lungs with air, and cannot catch your breath. It’s almost like that feeling you get when you inhale the fumes of Clorox or ammonia (we’ve all done that as foolish kids.) but it lasts much longer. Depending on the severity or cause of the attack with short calm deliberate breaths you may be able to catch your breath temporarily but that’s not a risk anybody should take…..


Most of us asthmatics have more than one inhaler; at home, in the car, at work and another random one in a bag under the bed somewhere. My primary inhaler was in purse which was stolen on New Years Eve. And of course I had an asthma attack. It was the second of the night. And knowing that I didn’t have my albuterol I panicked. Without the medicine to expand my constricting lungs it was all up to me to remain calm and get whatever oxygen I could get.


Thank goodness the people around me called 911. Left to myself I was a mess. EMT’s gave me a quick treatment and my breathing was back to normal. (even though the mix of steroids n alcohol made me high)


A few months prior to that, while shopping with Bunny and baby I had an asthma attack and used the last of the med in my inhaler. A few hours later I had another. Bunny got me to CVS quickly but unfortunately there weren’t any refills left on my prescription. Noticing my condition the pharmacist gave it to me anyway. After I’d caught my breath I paid the co-pay and he made me promise to get a prescription on Monday morning and bring it to him.


My biggest fear is and always has been not being in control. And not being able to breathe is the biggest loss of control ever. Not breathing, not getting oxygen will undoubtedly lead to death. People take asthma to be a joke, I have friends who laugh everytime I suck on my inhaler. I have family members who make fun of me.


A friend of the family, Lisa Leggon, passed from an asthma attack, it’s not something I play with. I take it very seriously and wish for it to get more coverage and attention. I was a child when it happened, and it was assumed I’d grown out of my asthma. And while I never think of it mid-attack, when it’s over I always think that I could have died. So right now, 3rd day of the year, and already 3 attacks had I have no voice and a sore throat. But I much rather this loss of voice and sore throat than loss of life.

I love you......

It wasn't until they began to get scared were the kids sent away from the bootleg family screening of I am Legend this afternoon. And for the rest of the movie they conveniently had to go into the kitchen or dining rooms for various items. Each time sneaking a glimpse at what was on the screen. A few times they were as blatant to stop and actually watch.

So, it was no surprise to anyone that boy cousin didn't want to go outside to go home tonight. However it promoted a problem because his mom had a 3-hour drive ahead of her. Boy cried and was consoled by mom, auntie, grandmother and cousins. Nothing helped. I began to share with him my own childhood fears of the dark. (i left out the part that tells i'm still afraid.) And that I had to grow up to set an example for the younger kids behind me. But then I remembered that it is extremely difficult to rationalize the irrational.

My next step was to delve into the same fantasy which created this mess. I shared with him a Hollywood keychain. I told him it was given to me when I was a kid so I wouldn't be afraid. And whenever he was afraid he should hold onto it and think of me. And whenever he thought of me I would be thinking of him as well. As they packed up the car to pull out aunt called back that she loves me. And boy followed the sentiment. Then yelled, "Should I give this back to you next time I see you?" And I told him to share it with the next little kid who is afraid. And after he thanked me, he yelled "I love you" again.

That I love you meant so much to me. It was the first time I'd heard such a sentiment with such meaning behind it. And it was the first time boy had ever told me I love you of his own volition. And I knew that his expression had nothing to do with me. He wasn't trying to end an argument, he wasn't trying to make me feel better. He honestly felt love for me at that moment and recognition that I came to his aid. I returned his sentiment with the same fullness.

Usually I long for the return of the silence when the kids leave. But tonight I am lonely, I miss his running. And I want him to be okay. I want him to sleep here and wake up feeling happy and safe. I want him to know that he can always look to the family for security and solace. I want him to know that he can always come to me, to us. I love boy too.

the morning after

Approximately 7 hours after my original though space....in a more humble calm state of mind my fingers tapped out the following.



It's amazing how a few hours can change an entire situation. For therapeutic reasons I jumped on my computer as soon as I walked through the door lastnite. High from a steriod treatment (for my asthma) I couldn't sleep. I napped somewhere between 9 and 10am, but was back in full effect by 11.....and I've revisited pieces lastnite quite frequently. And in its entirety while recanting to my mom......

Now that I'm calm, and objective I realize I would do it all over again if I could, I would change a heck of a lot, especially lastnite. No need for jumbled details now, but those details didn't need to come into existence. I put myself in the shoes of all involved parties and for the first time saw the plight of my co-main character. And I wish I'd seen it earlier and handled it differently for now it's seemingly too late. But I am ready to admit that my co-star cared.....

I have matured, I apologized not to make myself feel better, but to make another person feel better. I was sincerely sorry for my behavior and a escalated repercussions. The embarassment was a completely different situation. I honestly wanted to make sure that other people were okay. I wasn't as concerned for my image as I was for disrupting other people's lives. I am proud of my growth.

I have figured out my lesson, and it's to not be so stubborn. My stubborness almost cost me my life. My stubborness landed me behind the wheel of my car while intoxicated. But the worst part of it is that I knew I shouldn't have been driving. I should have stayed put for my designated. But my stubborness and pride got the best of me. And in the end a mountain was formed of a molehill. Ultimately, several relationships have severed and a certain possible future is now the past. And I am sorry, but at least I've learned a lesson in humility. And when the time comes, I can exercise such.

New Year, new pain

New Year, new pain......
Current mood: tested
Category: Romance and Relationships

I wrote this at 7:00am on Jan 1, 2007. I'd just walked in the house from what was supposed to be a wonderful new years eve celebration......I posted it on myspace immediately......for therapy.....by the next morning my mind had changed......see the next post.

As the sun rises over the horizon for the first time this year, it also rises on my first pain of the year, my first and hopefully last heartbreak of the year. It's still fresh, and I'll share the burden with all who will read in hopes that it will lighten the load..... The craziest part of it all is that I'm not exactly sure how I feel. It was an emotional day for me, closing an emotional year that I was looking forward to ending and now I'm not so sure the next one will be anything but a reprise. I'm disappointed in myself for pretending to have control over a situation of which I had none. I'm mad at myself for being in a situation to which I had no control. I'm disappointed in him for taking it to such extreme levels, I'm mad at him for lying for so long, but even more mad at myself for accepting them. It was so amazing to find somebody who was so much like me I could pick up on such small things. It was cool to find somebody who had similar views and goals. I could definitely say we clicked immediately. And we both wished we'd met so much earlier. Which is even more amazing that now I doubt we will ever speak again.... To go back in time, I wouldn't change a thing, not even tonight, because without it I wouldn't have been able to get the strength to put an end to something that should've never started. Without it, I wouldn't have seen what little respect and regard was had for my safety and wellbeing. People get angry, and people shout but you don't walk way from, or send away people that you care about. People are selfish, but you don't gamble with the feelings of those you love. You don't toy with the emotions of somebody you're attached to. More importantly, if you say there's nobody else, then there shouldn't be anybody else. And it should be felt. I'm not sure what the bottom line is, nor what the lesson was behind it all. I guess I learned again that nobody cares about me but me...... Goodnight.