30 minutes to a meeting regarding my future at my job. 30 minutes until I find out if I’m going to be fired, put on probation or if the misunderstanding will be cleared up. One would imagine I would handle this situation in a myriad of ways. But to know me deep in thought and writing is how I would be found….
I feel defeated. Over the past two years everytime I’ve had to work with this particular individual we have had problems. Over the past two years instead of dealing with me directly this individual (who is above me) runs to my boss with her exasperated stories. For the past two years my boss has listened and the problems have been resolved. Once again I was assigned to work with her and we are back in the same situation. Only this time I have absolutely no motivation to clear up the problem which I believe to be a misunderstanding. It’s really a shame that I am not completely sure exactly what the catalyst was this time.
Part of my numb feeling has to do with the fact that I prayed about leaving my job (among other things.) And God’s answer to me was to leave, and I didn’t listen so right now, like a good disobedient Christian, I believe I am being punished. And while in my head I believe that God will bless me even in the midst of the mess I’ve created I don’t feel as thought I’m in a position to ask.
A good friend’s mother e-mailed me a little message about angels. The theme of the message was ,”things are not always as they seem.” I think that is a wonderful aspect to take on my current situation and believe that God is in control and I will let him have his way. But I know that I can’t say God is in control while I am also trying to take control. It’s not something to be done in part, either I allow God to move or I continue to resist and inevitably mess it up. And I wonder even if my surrendering is simply giving up.
I compare my struggle to a lost driver using a GPS system. They follow the GPS until they think they know where they are going. Once things begin to look familiar they proceed to move on their own volition…..only to get lost again, and possibly blame it on the GPS…..either follow the GPS or don’t is what I say. You can’t half step it…..and I KNOW that I need to either go with God or not. I cannot half step it.
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3 comments:
Well Star how did this turn out?
Well Mr. Villaunueva.....
I am still here. But not for long. Are you hiring? ;o) As for the meeting, we stated our positions. It wasn't what I thought it was going to me, but it doesn't matter; the die has already been cast.
Im glad to see that you are still working, But keep your head up always and find something better, you serve alot better
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