Only Thoughts Matter

"It doesn't matter who my father as, it matters who I remember he was." - Anne Sexton


The relationship of father to child is a special one. A child is impressionable and learns first from its parents. Generally children receive their instruction and experiences in the house, void from influence and ideas of the rest of the world. A parent can give a child any impression of them they want.

A person who does not pay their bills can convey responsibility. One who never commits can portray themselves as reliable. A child has nothing else to measure it to and will not, and cannot make decisions based on other people's experiences. They take the impressions they parents press upon them as the gospel truth and will not challenge it.

With parenthood one can reinvent themself, be a totally different person in the eyes of their child than they are to the face of the world. As dynamic as this coversion is. I believe Ms. Sexton has stepped into waters deeper than she charted.

Cooley's looking glass theory (my favorite sociological theory) states, "We are not who we think we are. We are not who others think we are. We are who others think we are." Basically, on some level everybody believes this. The accepted difference is that some people care what others think, and others don't. But I challenge that perhaps the uncaring section of the bunch only wants other to think they do not care.

For example; I like my clothes to match. However I could care less about socks. And when asked, most people I know respond that they really aren't concerned with the colour and matching aspect of people's socks (yours truly included.) However, somewhere along the way I came to believe that people would not view me as serious, or responsible. And if I was too irresponsible to match my socks who knew what else that could imply?

On a more serious note, for many reasons (too much to get into now) I want to marry a Black man. I am nowhere near that type of committment, nor has such a mate been seriously identified. And it is possible that I may fall in love and marry someone not of the African-American race, but if based on race alone my choice is Black. This preference is a personal one. And I am sure that there are many others who agree with me for more, less, or, the same reasons. However this is not a fact that I shout from rooftops because I believe that people would think I am racist. it doesn't matter that statistically people marry within their races much more than any other commonality. My main concern is that I do not want to be associated with racism.

As previously mentioned, on some level, everybody is aware that our actions are not held on their own merits; but on the interpretations of others. How often do we change up our approach and make it person specific to our subject because we believe that somebody will take it wrong.

With that, why do we get so upset when people are upset, or hurt by our words and actions unintentionally. Why is so hard for us to apologize to them when we realize we communicate effectively; when we realize we may have overstated or understated, or OD'd as some would say?

When it comes to legacies, we generally have an idea and act to make it a reality. We work towards a valued outcome. We should have a valued outcome in all we do. We should think and be goal and solution oriented. Not simply shooting from the cuff and possibly over-communicating a point. Because even in forgiveness there are words and actions that may not be forgotten.

Be blessed all!
Nay.